Where I've been.... Explained

Well here I am for those of you wondering  where I’ve been. And for those of you not wondering, well then this is kinda awkward. Hiya. Howya been?

Sorry for the long hiatus.  I’ve actually been pretty busy lately. And by busy I mean stressed and tired and trying to grow a business while maintaining a sexy married life with a blended family and kids in sports.  Sometimes by the time I lay down at night, everything “bloggable” that has happened that day has reached a new level of exasperating to me and I can’t find the humor in it by the time my fingertips reach the computer. The trick is in blogging on the spot. If only I could somehow print all the thoughts going on in my mind right when something happens worth sharing. Of course I would have to edit all the bad words out. But where’s the fun in that? 

I’m going to do my best to summarize what’s been going on and the explanation for my absence. 

Well Kurt, the kids and I are still living in this shoebox of an apartment. When it’s a weekend that we have all of the kids, our apartment looks like any page from a Where’s Waldo book. Somehow our kids have become more lazy and disgusting post marriage. Or maybe they were always this way but now that we are officially blended it seems worse. Much, MUCH worse. None of the following are exaggerations:

Empty go-gurt wrappers on the bed, under their covers.  Cereal bowls with old milk and soggy cheerios on dressers. Toothpaste, everywhere. No one flushes. Some don’t wipe. Towels always on the floor, never on the towel rack provided. Clean clothes in the dirty clothes basket and dirty clothes on the floor. Ironically, next to the dirty clothes basket. Filthy, moist socks; pairs of socks are obsolete in our home. Cleaning your room has now become a game of who can shove the most shit under the bed before she comes back in here to yell at us to seriously clean the room now. They are all undefeated in this horrible competition. I’m getting angry as I type this so let’s move on.

Kurt and I joined a company called Nerium International in January and it’s been the ride of our lives. If you haven’t heard of Nerium yet, you WILL and when you do, remember, you heard it here first. Deal? DEAL! We have been making mistakes, learning from our mistakes, correcting our mistakes and having some success. We are building an awesome team together and we are meeting so many new and incredible people!  We are getting close to earning our free LEXUS. WHAT WHAT!!! I have a bad history with vehicles so this is HUGE for me. We are working towards some major goals that will literally change the direction of our children’s lives. Private schooling, REAL college savings, time freedom, financial freedom, vacations, adventures, and over all, making people better. Not to mention, giving back to our church in a way we never imagined possible. It’s funny how 10% can be so small but when its 10% of $50,000… not so small. Praise God! An opportunity to really give back... If you want more info, go to

Amandaward.aRealbreakthrough.com

We are working on buying our first home. Talk about a cocktail of emotions. You weren’t approved, you are approved, I need more info, can you sign these, can you fax that, can you turn that in, you didn’t sign there, oops initial here…. I mean seriously people… Not to mention my sweet husband has never filed a document in his life so when I asked for previous year’s tax returns he looked at me like I was asking him when his last menstrual cycle was and if he preferred pearl or cardboard.

Back in February Kurt got pretty sick. Actually back that up to August, he got really sick. He had severe stomach pains and described it as severe constipation. After all night of being in pain we went to Care Now. The doctor poked around a bit, took some X-rays and diagnosed him with gas. That’s it? How embarrassing. A few bottles of Citrus Nitrate later, we had gas and much, much more! Success! Now, fast forward to February; He was at a clients home (awkward) battle of the bowels returned with a vengeance. He called me on a Wednesday to tell me he thinks he needs to go to the hospital. He was in Plano at the time. We live, not in Plano, 50 miles from there to be exact. Nothing makes an emergency more convenient than it happening an hour away from your home. Due to the timing of the event and the horrifying traffic from our home to Plano, the kids and I were forced to wait hours before we could get to him. Begin the emotional roller coaster. We were in the hospital for a week. Juggling, rotating and strategizing who would keep the kids for a week was strenuous. The day we were told we might be released to go home, it began to ice over. It was one of those freakish Texas weather days when it was 75 and sunny the day before. We were released just in time to make it home safely. I had to go defrost and de-ice the truck first. Mind you, we did not have the appropriate attire for such weather so we basically shivered the whole way home. I cussed a few times. Kurt was feeling much better so he reminded me about 17 times not to hit the brakes on the icy bridges. This is when I learned how to bite my tongue. There is no wife award for this either, by the way. I checked. 

Most recently, I was forced to bring Logan with me to my yearly “lady doctor visit.” He had some valid questions while we waited for the doctor to come in. Why I had to get undressed. What the stirrups were for? Is this toothpaste? Do I always pee in a cup? What do they do with the pee? Can he pee in a cup too? What would they do with his pee? Then he asked, why he has to wait outside of the room? After the awkward visit was over, he reminded me of his last doctor’s visit when they “fixed his weiner.” He was referring to a rash on his inner thighs we couldn’t get rid of. Apparently he thought they did more than cure his rash. 

(I dunno folks, he might have a future in medicine)

So that’s what the Ward household has been up to. Tell me, how have you been?

Happy Birthday Hubby! (Warning its a totally mushy post)

Today is my husband’s birthday. This morning on my way to drop Logan off at daycare while he played his “DDS” I prayed out loud. This is a common thing for me. I have all but mastered how to block out the sounds of Sonic and Ninja Turtles during my prayer time. You got kids, you improvise and make minor adjustments to your “quiet time.” 

I was thanking God for my wonderful husband. Again, this is a daily and common thing for me. But specifically, I felt great appreciation for the Lord creating this man that I am so blessed to call mine. 

We are newlyweds and surely naïve in some aspects. Although, we have both been married, divorced, single parents, and now re-married. Blending a family is about as easy sticking a wet noodle thru a key hole. So while we are newlyweds we are by no means newbie’s at this gig. Its work. Some days we work for free, some days we get a raise, some days we work overtime,  some days we call in sick, some days it doesn’t feel like work at all. 

But every day is better because of him. He adds so much to each one of us. He makes us better versions of ourselves. He brings out the best in me. Who he sees when he looks at me is a woman I strive to be every day. 

He’s honorable, honest, trustworthy, reliable, dependable, accountable, considerate, patient and passionate. He has a servant’s heart. He’s simple, even when I complicate things. He’s fair, generous, brave, funny, drop dead handsome. He’s selfless and giving towards others. He shares everything. He has no secrets. He doesn’t have a passcode on his phone. (SCORE! Am I right ladies?) He brings me chocolate and wine just because. He hides love notes in random places for me to discover randomly. He is my hero. And it’s not every day that I recognize ALL of his amazing qualities. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am that God aligned things perfectly for he and I to create this beautiful union of marriage and step-kids.

So today I wanted to take a moment to jot down all of his wonderful qualities and say Happy Birthday Kurt. You are more than I ever prayed for. You are more than I could ever deserve. I love being your wife. I love you!

Icemagedon 2013 Replay

Four days and five nights stuck indoors with my kids and husband. That is approximately 4,246 hours in mommy time. According to Facebook I should be cherishing this extra time with my loved ones; spending it watching Christmas movies next to the fireplace, roasting chestnuts and holding hands. Well we don’t have a fireplace and you can only watch the Grinch 17 times before it gets old (tested by yours truly). Plus I hate chestnuts. So in summary, we SURVIVED the Icemagedon of 2013, we didn’t THRIVE in it. 

The best versions of ourselves were not on display.

Granted, there were a few moments of cuddling on the couch, cooking and playing games. But we were in there for F-I-V-E nights people! There’s only so much Jenga and connect four an adult mind can absorb.

Guess how many things children agree on when trapped inside close quarters for 4 days straight?

Not much. Almost every activity involved an element of arguing. 

Watching a movie? I WANNA WATCH THIS! NO WE JUST WATCHED THAT AND IT’S MY TURN TO PICK IT! MOOOOM!

Finally agree on a movie? I WANNA SIT THERE! NO I WAS HERE FIRST! MOOOOM!

Playing a game? I WANNA BE BLUE! NO I’M BLUE!!!! MOOOOM!

Finally distinguish who is Blue? YOU CHEATED! IT’S NOT YOUR TURN! STOP IT! MOOOOOM!

Coloring? THAT’S MY COLORING BOOK? NUH-UH YOU GAVE IT TO ME! NOOOO GIVE IT BACK! MOOOM!

Cooking? I WANNA POUR THE FLOUR IN! NO I GET TO AND YOU GET TO POUR IN THE SALT! NUH-UH! MOOOOOM!

It was like merging all the animals from the zoo into one habitat and hoping for the best.

Thankfully Kylee found a friend who just moved in next to us. Same grade, same school, score! (Or so I thought) I went over and introduced myself to the new friend’s mother. We exchanged information and took turns letting the girls play inside our houses. Except they were always at my house and I quickly realized who drew the short straw on this deal. 

I knew Kylee’s friend was special when she walked in the front door without knocking and shouted “Good morning guys” the day after we met her. At 9:08AM!

I had a brief manners tutorial with her and went back to my bacon.

Day 2 of knowing this girl, she tells me she’s ready for lunch. Our food supply was critical and I was unsure of when we could make it to the grocery store for a refill of essentials. So I suggested she walk next door and let her mom know. She seemed sincerely surprised that I was not going to prepare her a meal… But she quickly complied and informed me she would be right back after lunch. Great. The door will be locked open!

When she returned after lunch, she informed me she wants to paint her nails and asked where I keep the polish. I told her in my bathroom and I would get it for them. She shewed me away and said, “No, I’ll get it” and walked herself into MY bedroom, into MY bathroom, into MY cabinet and marched out with all of MY nail polish. She later spilled some on the carpet and casually chalked it up to, “Yeah sometimes I forget to put lids on things.” This one had no home training whatsoever and I realized now why they were at my house the entire time. Her mom was home alone, poppin champagne and celebrating her new found freedom from her menace child!

The other fun fact about Kylee’s friend is she can’t tie her shoes. SUPERB! Just what my nerves need! Another kid who can’t do something for themselves.Every time the girls came inside and removed their shoes, I would have to assist in the untying of her double knots, then retying her shoes with a double knot, per her request! Somehow this new friend that once seemed like the answer to Kylee’s boredom has now become my third child to take care of, entertain and feed! 

But alas, all good things must run into a big brick wall, crash and burn. (Insert evil laugh here) One of the last days stuck inside, this girl decides she doesn’t want to play with Kylee anymore. She simply wants to sit with me, and play with our dog. A request not easily accepted by Kylee. She tells her the ground rules. Basically if you’re in her home, you will play with her. If not, BUH-BYE! I tried to soften the delivery of Kylee’s harsh message but I totes agreed with her. I was already struggling with entertaining 2 bored kids, I was not about to willingly take on another one that can’t even tie her own shoes. The main reason I welcomed this kid into my home was to keep Kylee busy. The girls began to argue about something petty so I sent her friend home and locked the deadbolt behind her! 

At this point I realized I was reaching my all I can take point and one dirty misplaced sock could send me over the edge. GO, GO GADGET PATIENCE!!!!

I was low on wine and tampons so make your own assumptions how the rest of our ice days played out! Even my face rejected the effects of being trapped inside. No make up for 96 hours and I still manage to get a zit that feels like it has roots behind my eyeball! 

I’m finally back at work with where truck drivers cuss at me and customers are never satisfied and it always my fault,  and I couldn’t be happier. Let the choir sing and doves fly free!

I hope my fellow North Texas friends fared better than we did.

Balls to the wall

There’s a moment in parenthood when your child crosses over from baby, to not baby. It happens really quick so if you’re catching up on Walking Dead and Homeland episodes you’re liable to miss it. That moment when being naked in their presence was once acceptable is no longer, acceptable.  You don’t realize it happened until a situation arises and you’re forced to get all up in their sacred places. 

Logan had been scratching at himself for a couple days. I finally came to terms with the fact that I needed to have a looksie. (Shivers) So I awkwardly make the request that he let me look at his wee-wee. His petrified expression assured me we had entered the I’m too old for you to see me naked stage.

Upon further review I determined he did in fact have chapped balls. Now, I’ve never had chapped balls in the literal way, but I have in the hypothetical way and can imagine the literal way is much more unpleasant. I’m just guessing.

Despite what my enemies might say about me, I’m not a ball expert and have no idea what to do with such things when they’re damaged. Fearful I might be arrested for researching toddler wiener help on Google, I opted with Vaseline. Applied that for a couple days but the itching persisted. Only now, there was a light pink rash spreading everywhere. Oh my balls  stars! 

After taking his junk to a professional to assess the damage he was diagnosed with a yeast infection. Apparently yeast is does not discriminate towards the female sex.  Who knew? I could have cured this myself with a little Monostat. Knowledge for the future. So, he’s prescribed some cream and we are instructed to apply this cream, twice a day for 14 days. With our hands. 

Each time I go to put this cream on his no-nos he screams, NOOOOOO! DON’T PUT IT ON MY WEE-WEE!!! Well excuse me son, where would you like me to put it? Your ear? Trust me, I can think of a hundred other things I’d rather rub cream on and my toddler’s junk ain’t one of em. This isn’t a day at Disney for me either. He puts up a valiant struggle; Limbs and other things go flying everywhere. He finally succumbs to the awkward realization that this is gonna happen. He assumes the wishbone position, and our decent into hell begins. We don’t make eye contact. He looks away, up and backwards like women do at gyno visits.  This cream must be completely rubbed in for it to really work. So basically I’m forced to do a Swedish massage on his stuff and it’s so, so terrible. 

Repeat all of the above twice a day. 

This time a few weeks ago after school I would ask, “How was your day buddy?” Now I’m asking, “How’s your wiener today?” 

This goes against nature. Nothing about this is right.

Halloween, this and that round up post.

Well thank the heavens that is over. That being the kid’s (separate) birthday parties, the Halloween parties, the classroom parties, the Halloween projects and Halloween itself. I’m really looking forward to the 7 and a ½ days that I don’t have to be prepping for holiday.  

Texas weather failed us this week and a lot of the Halloween plans we made were cancelled and/or rescheduled. We ended up going to a trunk or treat with some friends. All of those festival things are the same. Waiting in long lines to throw a ball into a box to get a piece of candy; trying to convince the kids that it’s fun and worth the wait. It usually isn’t. But the candy compensates for their disappointment. But not mine. Now-a-days 97% of kids are allergic to peanuts, peanut butter and everything else delicious.  So needless to say there was a severe shortage of Reeses, snickers, Butterfingers and Twix for me to steal from their buckets. Great! There goes my motivation to participate in Halloween. Logan redeemed the holiday for me by mispronouncing WOLVERENE with Nuva-Ring. The birth control ring. Look mom, it’s a Nuva Ring! Awesome. 

We are gearing up for a camping trip next weekend with some friends. My enthusiasm and gung-ho-ness about a family fun trip is transforming into overwhelming TO DO lists and I can sense the early onset of panic beginning to nestle its way into my mind. Its gonna be ok. Its gonna be fun. We won’t forget anything. This is the mantra that I repeat in my mind. It isn’t working yet but it should kick in any day now.

The latest news with the kids and life, in no particular order:

The kids have eased up on making my life a living hell at dinner time and started to eat what we cook. I think they sensed my give a damn with dinner function had busted. Either way, praise God!

Kylee was moved into an IP math class for Identified Potential. Clearly the math gene skips a generation as I need a calculator to see how much I’ll save on a 2 for $5 special.

Logan has finally stopped peeing on the seat. For the most part.

Isaac remembered to wear socks on with his tennis shoes. 

I can’t remember if I wrote about my car issues or not. But in summary, it broke, it cost $900 and 7 days to fix. The day I picked it up we rode home with the windows down then they wouldn’t roll back up. Are you firggin kidding me? I had to duck tape a trash bag to the window. A TRASH BAG YALL! My boss wrote “Getto” (misspelled on purpose) on the trash bag thus making it more humiliating to drive. I took it back to the dealership and displayed my give a damn is busted attitude. They fixed the windows. Ahh well they got them to roll up at least. The point is my paid off car is working again. Just don’t try to roll the windows down. 

Have a good weekend friends!