I guess keeping my relationships tree watered and prospering is not my forte. I have somehow, successfully demolished two friendships without really knowing, how…. The details really aren’t as important as the fact that this is just another relationship battle I have to fight and accept that relationships aren’t solely dependent on one person. No matter what I did or didn’t do, the outcome would be the same regardless…. I am declaring the death of one friendship due to the lack of responses to my many calls, texts, emails and other desperate attempts to resuscitate. There is no evidence of a pulse there…. So once again, I embark on the all too familiar path of healing and mourning a dead relationship that I did all I could to mend it…..Whatever IT was…. The other friendship that seemed to die of natural causes caught me a little off guard… However, to some degree I always suspected that this one was not beneficial to either one of us and I guess it ran its course.
My best friend told me this morning that sometimes God has a way of pruning friends away; Similar to an overgrown shrub. Maybe He saw these friendships as useless, or hindering to a higher purpose He has for my life…. His vision, while it is very unclear at times, I have to constantly remember that His perspective on my life is much more profound than my own vision. I am not saying that one friendship is more important to me than the other…..Well, actually, yes that is what I’m saying. I can be real here can’t I??? One of my friends, let’s just call her “Winter” held my hand every step of the divorce process. She supported me, let me lean on her, cry on her, vent to her, and never once turned her back on me…. Until now… I know in the past, I offended her, unknowingly, but nonetheless. She was hurt. And I caused the hurt. I apologized, she “accepted” my apology and I thought we were moving past it. I was wrong. I have sent her numerous emails, no response. I sent her text messages, no response. I sent friendly invites for dinner or a movie, no response. I flirted with the loser line. I felt an overwhelming wave of rejection, defeat, loss and pure sadness for the friendship I was certain could withstand anything…. I was wrong, yet again. LIFE: 3 AMANDA: 0
My life is quickly accumulating a nice deficit when it comes to relationships… The way the other friendship died was more personally insulting than a loss for me. The long and short of it was, her ex used me as a scapegoat for some pretty unethical things. Dragging my character and integrity through the mud. However, when people hurl their lies and insecurities at me in efforts to cover up their own scarlet letters, I tend to feel like I get up clean in the eyes of God.
I sat on a big uncomfortable grudge all weekend. Re-reading the text over and over… Dissecting, analyzing, examining and considering all possible explanations for this abrupt and deplorable text message from who I thought was a friend…. Reaching new levels of annoyance every time I read it. Until it hit me, like a sack of potatoes right between the eyes…. WHO CARES?! Aside from the fact that this “friend” has children around the same age as mine, went through a divorce around the same time I did, lives in Texas and wears women’s clothing like I do…We don’t have that much else in common. I realized that we were friends based on a few similarities we shared…Not because we clicked on any deeper levels… The more I examined my friendship with this girl, the more I realized that we have a lot more NOT in common than we actually share… I am outgoing, she is shy. I am outspoken, she hold it in. I am inappropriate; she is straight laced-by the book appropriate. I mean, this was a bad friend formula from the word HI… Not to say opposites can’t be best friends…But I think for me personally, I need more than comparable technicalities to make a friendship work. Even as I type, I am starting to think the only reason she entertained this friendship idea was to have me as a back-up babysitter. Ouch. Oh well. Moving on….
I went out Saturday night with my friend and met two girls who I don’t want to call replacements for my recently deceased and failed friendships…But it was just so unforced…So honest, easy, un-premeditated, uncomplicated, unexpecting, enjoyable and much needed.
I will really miss “Winter.” No amount of new friends will replace her. But in any relationship, you can’t be the only one pursuing them. I can’t travel down a one way street and risk hitting oncoming traffic. I am exiting this friendship with the small amount of dignity I have left. With remorse to our friendship… I am pulling the plug.
I have a lot optimistic hope that these new relationships will grow and cultivate into long lasting friendships. Here’s to hoping!