Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Mourning After

It is going to be quite the task to blog about the emotional turmoil I have experienced over this past week and weekend. So let me catch you up first.
My last post was about the awesome Easter weekend I had planned; which actually did turn out pretty darn fantastic if I do say so myself. Kylee and I had an amazing day on Friday. We ran our errands, had lunch and really relished in the one-on-one time together. The rehearsal dinner went okay…. Logan was all over the place, like most 18 month olds are and the wedding coordinator didn’t take too fondly to this…. (smirk) The day of the wedding was kind of hectic, but we made it. Kylee was the sweetest flower girl in the history of weddings! Of course, she refused to walk hand in hand with the ring barer because JB is her boyfriend. DUH! At the table, she announced to everyone that holding hands with him would have been “awkward.” What a word for a 4 year old. But it produced quite the laughter from everyone. There was one point during the reception that all the kids were just running wild, dancing, playing hide-and-seek, and just having fun…..and then Kylee seemed to evaporate….I saw her on the dance floor, turned around, and she was gone. Like all the MISSING PERSONS reports begin…. My body immediately started to tingle down to my toes…My heart was beating to a new rhythm I have never felt before… I was certain others could see my chest pulsing in and out….I frantically ran upstairs to the bridal room, no Kylee….The upstairs bathroom, no Kylee… The empty offices, rooms and hallways, no Kylee…. Tears were forming and bleeding from my eyes. Inconceivable thoughts were bombarding my imagination. We finally found her in the downstairs bathroom…. Perfectly unaware that my world was crumbling apart at a rapid speed. I dropped to my knees to hug her and just began to cry and thank God that she was okay…Not that she was ever in any real danger. She consoled me and said, Mommy, it’s ok…I’m here….Like I have said uncountable times to her…The reconciled moment was caught on camera, not that I would ever need a picture to remember it.
I found her!

Mommy and Flowergirl

Me and Mom

No words.....

I hope you dance....

Best flowergirl in the world!

Fast forward to Easter Sunday. A day that families spend together…Go to church together, watch their kids hunt eggs together, dinner together and share in the candy together…. Mine was not that picture perfect holiday. It was my first Easter alone, without the Ex… Logan was with the Ex, so Kylee and I woke up Sunday, put on our matching Easter dresses, and headed off to church. A tidal wave of sadness hit me right in the gut as we walked in, just us with no husband or daddy. I could physically feel the pain in my stomach growing like a sponge in water. I looked at the empty seat next to me…The same empty seat that is there every Sunday… But this particular Sunday, it seemed to be taunting me. I felt like there was a spotlight on it for everyone to see. So my sorrow sponge continued to grow. I mustarded up the strength to readdress my thoughts on the only One who can heal my wounds. And I praised Him.
After service, we mingled and chatted. We headed out to pick up Logan from daddy’s house. They went to church too and I wondered if the Ex felt the same painful sensations I felt that morning. I have been dissecting my emotions and trying to figure out WHY I feel so vacant. Aside from the obvious explanations.  Why are these emotions just now surfacing? Why the delay? Did I glaze over the important mourning phase? Did I actually believe I could skip a grade and graduate into a healed future without doing the work? The answer is, I guess so. Not a good enough answer, apparently. So now, I have come to the realization that I have to face the fact that I am mourning… The last person close to me that died was my grandma, and I was a kid…My coping skills were not quite up to par, and unfortunately, mourning is not something you can really practice how to do the right way. I am a creature of preparation. This is just not something I was ever prepared for or could ever train for. Here I am, completely caught off guard and entering unchartered waters with no real expectations. I typically like to play out every possible outcome and attempt to prepare for each one. It is quite difficult to do this, without knowing what to expect…I can imagine this is what playing dodge ball blindfolded would feel like. I thoroughly underestimated that worn-out saying “Divorce is like a death.” Well, dress me up in black because I am in full blown mourning. I wrote in my “Marriage Muscle” blog that I had mourned….Apparently, redirecting my attention to my kids, work, church and other spinning plates in my life is not the correct definition of mourning… Now I am face to face with this monster of death and without a shield to protect myself. I guess that is the point. I am not supposed to protect myself. I am supposed to embrace and surrender to this uncomfortable, painful, depressing, heartbreaking and discouraging thing into my well organized and misplaced emotional life. As cliché as that divorce is like a death analogy is, at least it breeds some normalcy into my situation. I felt crazy for crying over a year old piece of emotional baggage. Knowing that this is normal makes me feel a little less crazy. So when I am blow drying my hair and out of nowhere the floodgates are open, I can find rest in the fact that this is part of the mourning phase… That I am not lost, I am on the right track. Where the track actually leads is completely beyond me…