Thursday, May 19, 2011

The eyes on my child go round and round, round and round, round and round

I had another blog all typed up and edited up about how my previous posts while they funny and very true, they are not an accurate portrayal of how I honestly feel about being a momma. But I deleted it. The junk I write is ½ true, ½ exaggerated. I know you’re probably thinking Great, now we really can’t trust a think that comes out of that mouth now?! But I wanted to make sure that whoever is wasting their presumably valuable time reading my invaluable posts aren’t misconstruing what I really mean.  Being a mom is tough work. Being a single mom, is even tougher work, sometimes. My many jokes about the roller coaster of motherhood are true, but I want to clarify that I wouldn’t change it. I love it. I honestly do love the stickiness, smelliness, filthiness, poopiness, unorganizenedness, chaosness, headachness, huggable, snuggable, kissiness, rewardable ups and downs of this ride. True statement! The stories I tell are true and based on actual events. That is what this blog is supposed to be about. The adventures of single parenting and the miscellaneous extras I might have time to include. So, again, I had every intention on justifying what I write about, explaining myself, possibly defending myself, or whatever else is politically correct here. But I have way too much new material to vent about here.  Please continue reading and following me, but know that being Kylee and Logan’s mama is by far the best thing I have ever done or will ever do!
Now, if Kylee rolls her big blue eyes at me ONE.MORE.TIME I am going to strap her to a wooden chair and tape her eyes open like they did to Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory and dare her to do it again.
I realize this maddening habit of hers is inherited from me. I roll my eyes 123,698 times per day. But I do it when the guy in front of me at the bank has to send the tube up 3 times, you got it right, THREE times. GO INSIDE BUDDY! Or when the only person in the world who still uses actual checks AFTER banks stopped honoring Post Dated checks, gets in the Express Lane at the grocery store. I, of course have my two nin-ca-poops threatening to make a scene if we don’t leave ASAP.  Or when Kylee tells me she forgot to go potty and we need to stop somewhere, I get stuck behind the mid life crisis guy driving something turbo charged full of GT something or other but won’t exceed 38 mph in a 45 zone. I do NOT; however roll my eyes when my mom tells me to please put her my shoes in the closet to avoid the inevitable dilemma the following morning of I CAN’T FIND MY SHOES! Did you put them in the closet like I asked you to yesterday? NO! Why not? Because. Because is not an answer. Do you know where they are mom? NO! Then I guess I won’t wear shoes today. Gah, fine I’ll help you find them! This happens WTF (Wednesday Thru Friday) which is probably more of an indication that I need to have more consistency in my discipline, but we are talking about her not me. But seriously, what is it about those eyes? I want to snatch them right out of the sockets! Because she gets to eye rollin, then I start eye rollin, eventually we will have Logan eye rollin at us eye rollin at one another and the entire household environment will be compromised and we can’t have that.
The other night, I took this frozen meatloaf experiment out of the freezer and put it in that oven thing. I made instant mashed potatoes and mixed veggies. Logan was the only one who was impressed with the meatloaf. I knew Kylee would turn her nose up to it because it wasn’t a small nugget of chicken and Trans fat. Being the short order cook that I am, I had one of those mini pizza’s on hand and decided to make that for the eye rolling princess of apartmentville. Apparently I really suck at cooking or this pizza was generic and on sale for a reason because even I wouldn’t have eaten that or the dog, if we had one. So, I pull from the menu of few items Kylee will actually eat, and quite frankly didn’t feel like making anything else or heating anything else up. Then princess Rolls-A-Lot suggested cereal. DING DING DING we have a winner. So I rolled my eyes and we both had Cinnamon Toast Crunch while Logan had a well balanced meal. WIN!
Later that evening we had a pillow fight in the living room, watched Mary Poppins and took turns tickling Logan and rolling our eyes at him. Overall, we had a great and partially nutritional night with little to no issues……Until I decided to let Kylee sleep with me…. We were watching a movie in bed, I was dozing off, and the TV got really loud. I looked at her, looking at me, wondering if I realized she just turned the TV up from 35-55…. I asked her to turn it down; she of course, rolled her eyes, then pulled my hair.
We discussed her less than awesome attitude the past couple days. She insists she wasn’t pulling my hair, that she was just playing with my hair because she knows I love that… Clever Kylee. Real clever! I called her bluff; we attempted to have a talk about my expectations, being good, being bad and all the consequences and benefits in between… We got halfway through the talk before I realized we were both rolling our eyes at each other… 
 I think Logan goes to Time-Out voluntarily to get away from it all. See?