Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Double D: Disappointments in Divorce

Well, there are worse things I guess. I won’t dare type into words what they possibly could be. But I have to say that I feel quite justified in my anger at the moment. I feel more than justified. I feel straight up validated for my annoyance and lack of patience on a particular issue. It feels almost like an outer body experience and I am on the outside looking in. I am beyond disappointed and confused.
I realize that most divorced couples aren’t going out for brunch together. A brunch between me and my ex would most likely consist of a few choice words and a baseball bat. Just kidding. (About the words.) I haven’t misplaced my expectations concerning this divorce. I never anticipated we would all of the sudden see eye to eye on things, communicate productively or even effectively. But I surely didn’t anticipate two grown adults to be so incapable of compromising on the importance their children’s welfare! Of course, this is just “my” version of the situation. I am sure you can only imagine his. Just read everything opposite of MINE and there ya have it.
In any marriage, compromise is a major ingredient to success. Compromise means both people GIVE UP something, but in turn, both GAIN something. Typically you leave a marriage once you evaluate your choices, determine you have exhausted all YOUR own efforts and decide to move on to what you hope is a happier life. No one really warns you that the next year will most always involve much of the same arguments you had during your marriage, except now, the fear of losing your spouse has fled the scene. Basically you are now fighting without that fear that helps hold your tongue back from firing off some really terrible things to one another. One or both parties might act with no fear of consequences whatsoever. Compromising is no longer on the table or up for discussion because once again, you “have nothing to lose” so to speak.
 It only gets messier with kids involved. Now all the sudden, the person you have chosen to procreate with seems a lot like that guy you let take you on a date but when it comes time to pay he says he forgot his wallet… yeah you know what guy I’m talking about. That guy who sees advancement opportunity at a call center or gets fired from Colter’s BBQ.  This is now the person you are debating with on eve-er-y-friggin-thing!!! As trivial as “It’s your turn to take diapers to daycare” to the classic debate of Father of the Year VS. Child Support.
If you have been or are going through a divorce, you know what I am talking about. I picked my munchkins up from daycare yesterday from my non-custodial weekend, we had our usual conversations “Did you have fun with daddy? What was your favorite/least favorite part of the weekend?” Told them what I did, and proclaimed how much we missed each other. I was almost rendered speechless (shut up! It happens sometimes) when my oldest told me her least favorite part of her weekend was when she had to spend the night away from her daddy. (insider: I try to NEVER inquire about my kid’s time with their dad to avoid making them feel interrogated, put in the middle or anything like that. I anticipate they receive enough of the third degree when out of my custody) But this raised a hot red flag so I said, “Where did you spend the night?” She said a name that I am vaguely familiar with. Not enough to shrug it off and be like, OH OK COOL, more like, Hmmm, how do I know that nameWho is that??  I eventually found out that she was supposed to spend the night with her aunt, but at the last minute was taken to this random chick’s house to finish out her night. Coincidentally, while at an Improv Comedy show with a mutual friend, I discovered at approximately 10pm on Saturday night, my ex was attempting to make plans with this mutual friend to meet up at a local bar to watch some fights. Of course in my mind I am pondering a few things. 1. How is he going out when he is supposed to be with our kids? 2. Who is watching our kids? 3. Is it that hard to stay home every other weekend?
His rebuttal and defense for our child being double brokered to a second babysitter was his sister didn’t even tell him she took our daughter to this 3rd person. GREAT! Imagine my relief. Ignorance = Innocence.
The tiny fact that the sandals I just bought Logan are conveniently lost/misplaced at the ex’s and will be returned “if he remembers” (actual quote) was expected and actually long overdue. I anticipated these juvenile games to begin a lot sooner than they actually did. Kylee told me daddy’s new girlfriend is a cheerleader and wants her to teach her how to do a cheer. That kinda made me LOL for many reasons.
My ex is much like those Danielle Steel romance novels. They are predictable, substandard, and usually leave you disappointed in the end.
I still remain his biggest fan in my kid’s eyes. (Which I personally think I deserve something salty covered in chocolate, or a metal of some sort for being capable of pulling this one woman show off almost daily) I constantly tell them how nice it was to buy them all that stuff, take them to all those places, etc.  I am a professional truth hider. I never want them to see him the way I do, or feel the massive weight of disappointment in him that I do. He will always be their dad and I am hopeful one day his bitterness will dissolve into nothing and he can get on with his life and not resent me for getting on with mine. But until then, I foresee many future petty arguments about whose turn it is to bring wipes to daycare, where Kylee’s sketchers are, did you pay your half of daycare and who knows what else. If it is under the sun it will rise up.

Please pray with me for a hedge of protection over my kids. That their eyes and ears be shielded from anything negative that might interrupt God’s plan for their life. That His love flow into me and their father. That we both receive a spirit of love and compromising attitudes for the sake of our children. I pray we both recognize daily that our children are gifts of responsibility God blessed us with and that we not abuse it in any way, shape or form.
Thanks for reading!