Friday, September 30, 2011

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I have been debating with myself whether or not to write about this. Blogs are typically very personal, or personal to some degree so why all the hesitation? I write as a form of therapy that doesn’t cost a $150 per hour and as a release of all my emotions that wander freely in my heart and mind. I have allowed my emotions to have a field day inside of my head all week. I need to release them here.
I have endured a lot of relationship stuff in the last year or so. The end of relationships, the beginning of new ones, some good, some bad. However, I have discovered that each time one ends, the same sneaky suspicion of failure lurks around leaving me with plenty of unanswered questions and loads of self doubt. I blame human nature on my inability to let go of the HOW, WHEN, WHY mysteries involved. Was it all me? What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? When did we get off track? Why? Similar to when there is a murder, the police bring in CSI to investigate the scene, collect evidence and interview any witnesses, all in hopes to solve the WHO, WHEN, WHY and HOW questions. I am my own CSI unit when it comes to relationships. I comb over every detail in hopes I see something I didn’t see before. I seek advice from those closest to me who I know will be brutally honest. I go over and over the scenario in my head. The results are typical – Inconclusive. So much time is wasted trying to decipher something that is unsolvable.
Recently I had a fall out with one of my dearest friends and it’s been plaguing me on a daily basis. I have been second guessing who I am, who I was and who I want to be, and who I was to them. It’s been a crock-pot recipe of confusion, disappointment, sadness and regret brewing for quite some time.
A close friend asked me a few questions that stopped me in my tracks… I wasn’t sure why these questions took me by surprise. Maybe it was because they were so obvious or maybe my lack of an answer shocked me. She asked, Is this repairable and what are your expectations of a friend?
Well, I ahhh, um, I, well I just um….I don’t know…. That was my answer. At first. We worked through it and determined that what I expect from a friend is just someone who will accept me for the blunt, honest, loud, well intentioned, kind person that I am. Relationships and friendships are about allowing your similarities to bring you close, and not allowing your differences to separate you. It’s about growing together, strengthening one another. Walking together. Sometimes in your walk one’s pace is not the same as the other so one gets ahead and the other is left behind… But the walk isn’t over. It’s okay to have a different pace and rhythm, just as long as you stays on the same path.
Because I rely on God daily for everything, I decided to open the door for a self evaluation in His eyes. I was allowing my self validation to come from others. I lost sight of the only opinion that truly matters. His. So I put my questions down on paper, and I answered them, honestly. Some of what I discovered was unexpected, some things were reassuring and some things need some work. I transitioned through a lot of emotions, but ultimately, my task was about getting my feelings to align with the facts. The fact that God created a perfect version of me and who I am. People have come into my life in His perfect timing to help me become a better version of me with His guidance and seal of approval.  Some chose to stay around, and some don’t. Who we are cannot be measured by other’s choices to stay or leave our lives. If we allow others to hold the power of labeling us, we will eventually be disappointed and hurt… Because the One and only who has the power to truly define you is the One who knew you before you were born.
Psalms 139:13-14
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I trust that His opinion of me is all I need. Not to say that others opinions of me are invalid or inaccurate. Sometimes my actions warrant the opinions people form of me. We are always a constant work in progress and will never be complete until we enter His kingdom. I’m content in this now. I welcome those who choose to accompany me in my walk, accepting me for my good days and bad days. Forgiving me of my short comings, forgetting my mistakes, and loving me for who I am.
God knows us all. I know He loves me and continuously strengthens me as a woman, mother, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, employee and whatever other title I might have. In this fact I find peace in my hurtful season. I trust Him to heal what needs to be healed.

Sorry for the lack of humor. Maybe next week?

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!