If you don’t have anything nice to say, type it in a blog. Yeah well this one has been a LONG time comin’. I genuinely wish I didn’t have this type of stuff to blog about, talk about, obsess about, worry about, stress about, pray about, vent about or cry about. I would love it if my blog were all about the kids and the struggles of being this perfect mommy that I am. (Insert Sarcasm) But the harsh reality is this stuff consumes my every day. Even when I go through droughts of foolishness, I am still walking on glass wondering what’s next.
I can only speak for myself, but I am honestly and gratefully over my X. Emotionally, mentally and every other ---ally ways. I guess anger and disappointment are emotions, so maybe I am still emotionally dwelling on some things. Our divorce is STILL not final. Earlier this week I decided to write a long overdue letter to my attorney. The Reader’s Digest version of that email was this:
Mr. Fancy Lawyer,
GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUM AND GET MY DIVORCE FINALIZED OR YOU’RE FIRED!
The letter was successful… Or so I think… Or so we’ll see… But it has been over a year now and I have learned to expect the worst and hope for the best.
In addition to the heated email exchange between my lawyer and myself, the X and I also had multiple debates. Nothing major, just the normal disagreements between ex spouses… Me explaining why I don’t think it’s a healthy idea for your newest girlfriend (who is 19 years old – NO JOKE) to spend the night with our children so you can work at a strip club. In his defense, he is working this second job because he anticipates that he will be, and I quote “stiffed on child support.” If you don’t have the latest version of Webster’s Dictionary for X Husbands the word Stiffed is defined as paying the state minimum requirement for child support. Of course, this issue of the GIRL friend spending the night is not a pressing issue at the moment as he is still living at his parent’s home. Rent Free. Utility Free. Groceries Provided. My kids do not have a room of their own or their own beds for that matter. Well to be fair, our almost two year old sleeps in a pack N Play while Kylee sleeps in the bed with him. I know I should be thankful they are under a roof surrounded by people who love them. I am very thankful and blessed that his family is so loving and so willing to be there for their grandkids. It has been a rough road, but I am finally rebuilding that very precious relationship with his mom and hopefully soon his sisters. And I am thankful. Sure, I think my kids deserve their own room, bathroom, space and privacy; which they get very little of at his home because his parents are still raising teenagers of their own. The dynamics are truly unique.
Although the X’s brilliant idea to shack up with this girl in front of our young, impressionable children is still on the stove, I am definitely putting it on the back burner for now. The rumor of him moving out on his own has been circling since February. Basically, I’ll believe it when I see it. However, in addition to that, he also informs me that he is trying to decide which apartment to move into. It’s a toss-up between one in Las Colinas (44 miles from me and the kids), Irving (50 miles from me and the kids) or Bedford (18 miles from me and the kids)
Now please keep in mind, things that seem very obvious to me, are not so obvious to the X. Why do I constantly find myself trying to explain the importance of us living semi close to one another? Why is that not a no brainer? Another priceless justification to living so far away is to be closer to the club he will be forced to work at when he is “stiffed” on child support. I’m sure it’s like pulling teeth. Poor baby. The X feels the need to close every email or text message with how happy he is with his new girlfriend which he “adores.” I wasn’t aware that he was capable of adoring anyone but himself. Another Webster term for the X, Adore is defined as having an increased sensation of lust for someone who is too inexperienced and naive to know what a relationship really consists of. Therefore I must have "adored" him when we first started dating. Live and Learn!! It doesn’t bother me that he is “happy” with someone else. It bothers me that he is too consumed with pleasing himself, that he allows all of his responsibilities fall by the waist side. It bothers me that I continuously allow myself to be so disappointed in him. Maybe that will never go away. I think to some degree, I will always be waiting for him to mature and have one of those AHA moments where it just hits him between the eyes. Who knows? Dwelling on it, waiting for it and expecting it have led me to a valley of disappointment.
While I was in the middle of drafting this blog last night, I got a new blog post from http://nowisgoodblog.wordpress.com which I read regularly. It is a little scary how similar her circumstances mirror mine. Her X and my X are one in the same as well. And she wrote a blog that took the words straight out of my heart! This is not the first time this has happened either. I was just telling my good friend Tammy how disappointed I was in myself for allowing him to bait me into these arguments. I read an incredible book called The Bait of Satan. NO, I am not comparing the X to Satan, but the book explains how we allow people to bait us into being offended. I hope my blog friend won’t mind, but she compiled a list of things she will no longer do and I too want to join her in the fight against being baited. Here is the NO NO list she created for herself which I will apply to myself:
I will not let him bait me.
I will not take a cheap shot, even when one is taken at me.
I will not accuse (I will only inquire).
I will not taunt.
I will not engage in text or email wars with him anymore.
I will not call him names.
I will not question his parenting (unless, again, it affects the health, safety, or emotional welfare of our children).
I will not let him take his anger about his self-made situation out on me.
I will not let him bait me. (Yeah, that’s twice on that one. But it’s a weak spot of mine so worth repeating.)
This week was an emotional cocktail of disaster. Blended with anger, frustration, disappointment, confusion, sadness, and lots of salt! I drank multiple rounds of it this week. It’s finally out of my bloodstream and I intend to have a wonderful weekend with the kids. No more bait for me!
Thanks for reading!