Friday, October 21, 2011

If it feels good, it's probably wrong

A great night with my kids quickly went sour with one phone call from the X Man. Again, I was baited into thinking he could possibly understand anything that I say. I was shocked by the amount of stupid thoughts that escaped his filthy mouth. I realized just how human I am because the overwhelming desire to insult, dig and cut into his oversized ego overpowered me. I wanted to shine light into his dark and ugly world by jabbing at his inabilities to grow up, be a father and a man. I wanted him to know how people really see him, how I see him and how one day, his kids will see him.

That was 8 minutes of my life I will never get back.
 As I took a few moments to compose my sin nature, God revealed to me something that was Post-It worthy. My kind of light is not His kind of light. Who’d – A - Thunk – It? Actually it’s pretty obvious.  As a Christian, it’s not my job to expose him; it’s my job to expose Him. I do so thru my actions, words, response to attacks, thru life in general. Not by pointing out The X Man’s faults and mistakes. And I have failed Him, yet again. As good as publishing his ass-holiness make me feel, being a Christian doesn’t always FEEL good nor does it include the word ass-holiness. Can I get an AMEN? A Hallelujah?
I am always in Damage Control mode with Kylee. Constantly correcting the lies she is told. Mommy doesn’t want me to see you. Mommy doesn’t love me. Mommy doesn’t like Hannah Montana. I am relentlessly reassuring her that Mommy does want her to have time with him, that Mommy does love him (ick) just in a different way and that Mommy does like Hannah Montana (as long as she stops putting mascara on my child). My energy is exerted towards righting his wrongs that when it comes to responding and not reacting to him, well let’s just say I have some work to do.
About a month ago I borrowed a few vows from a fellow blogger’s post in reference to the X Man. This is my attempt to try again at keeping these vows. This blog is to hold me accountable to myself. It is worth reminding, reposting, repeating, retrying for.
I will not let him bait me.
I will not take a cheap shot, even when one is taken at me.
I will not accuse (I will only inquire).
I will not taunt.
I will not discuss his marriage relationship (unless it affects the health, safety, or emotional welfare of our children). (This does not apply to me YET)
I will not engage in text or email wars with him anymore.
I will not call him names.
I will not question his parenting (unless, again, it affects the health, safety, or emotional welfare of our children).
I will not let him take his anger about his self-made situation out on me.
I will not question him about the barbs and complaints and criticisms of me that he makes to the children (and which they relay to me).  I will discuss those with the kids, but not with him.
I will not let him bait me. (Yeah, that’s twice on that one.  But it’s a weak spot of mine so worth repeating.)
I don’t want to be a person whose actions and choices are dictated by someone. Especially someone who is morally bankrupt and has integrity the size of a pomegranate… Ooops there I go again. Ok I never said I wouldn’t stumble along the way.
But really, what does it say about ME that I allow someone I think so poorly of determine and control MY overall attitude? It says I suck, that’s what!
So here’s to trying again. Here’s to renewed hope, a new perception, new expectations and a new outlook on my situation.
Thank You God for always revealing to me new ways to see You. I will seek your presence in every situation, every conversation, every circumstance, and I will respond according to Your command, not my own.
If it feels good, it’s probably wrong. Good life motto.
Happy Weekend everyone!