Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Bully Beat Down

From adolescents to adults, there are multiple transitions to be made. We learn as we go and develop new techniques to maneuver through life. We eventually learn (some later than sooner) that kicking, screaming and pouting don’t produce the results we were hoping for. Some never learn.  We begin to attack from new angles. As we mature, we find new ways to handle confrontations, address uncomfortable situations and how confront to others in a way that doesn’t t require removing shoes and ear rings and getting all Jerry Springerish.
Whilst I don’t typically find myself in that dramatic of a situation, I do find myself currently in a I’ll cut you type of dilemma concerning Kylee. I can totally relate to those mama lions, bears, elephants or tigers on National Geographic because I am ready to pounce on someone.
The past couple of weeks Kylee has been coming home with horror stories about a fellow classmate. Let me preface that I am fully aware that she is 5,that she can be dramatic herself and tends to exaggerate the truth sometimes. But I find it difficult to believe that Kylee has something new and appalling to tell me EVERY day about the same kid if there weren’t some truth behind it. If only 5% of what she tells me were  true, that is enough for me to want to secretly trip this kid in the hall and drop a poison ivy leaf in his cubby.
The thing about daycares, preschools, private schools or public schools is that the circle of moms, we talk! And you’re either in with the talkers, or you’re being talked about. I know that sounds very high school and very Mean Girls-like. It’s the truth. And if you aren’t in with the talkers, it’s because your kid is either the booger kid, the germy kid, the dirty kid, the annoying kid, or the bully kid… There is also the possibility that you yourself are extremely anti-social and choose not to say good morning in the hall or at the sign in desk  and/or are blissfully unaware that your kid IS the germy, annoying bully kid. There’s a small 2% chance that you aren’t in with the talkers because your amazing husband gets up extra early to allow you to sleep in a tad longer while he takes your tykes to school. In which case, you probably have your own circle of friends with your own circle of problems… None of which I can think of right now, but I hear we all have em. Oh, and bite me!
Needless to say, the mother of the hoodlum who is targeting Kylee is not in the circle of talkers that I know of. I’m beginning to understand why. Her son is always on red…. I guess you need to know what each color indicates. Here is a table of reference.
Blue – best color achievable. This means your child went above and beyond to be helpful and had a great attitude all day. Basically your child brown nosed all the live long day.
Green – Great color to receive. This means your child was good today and had little to no issues.
Yellow – Good day, but had to be corrected a few times to stay on task and follow directions. The kids who always get red strive to get on yellow.
Orange – Teacher is losing her patience with your child’s antics and primitive behavior.
Red – Your child is the reason the teacher drinks and considering a job at Sonic.
So this little fart gets on red every day. Kylee tells me he tears down whatever she is building, colors on her papers to mess them up, cuts in line, doesn’t listen to the teacher, throws wood chips at her on the play ground, and is basically the next Justin Bieber, a tool.  My words, not hers.
I remember a week or so ago when the kid and his mom walked in the room when it was just me and Kylee emptying her folder, and I overheard the boy tell his mom that she is the girl he hates… yes, HATES… Kylee and I looked at one another and shared the same facial expression of complete shock. I encouraged Kylee to ignore hateful people, while his mom apparently took MY advice and ignored her hateful son.  Awkward. I might have rolled my eyes a tad at her.
The latest report is the dweeb told Kylee he wished she were dead and kicked her. WHA!? How could this be allowed in Pre-K?  
I reached out to a couple mothers in her class to confirm my suspicion of this kid and my inkling was right. He is a pest and was quite possibly kicked out of his previous daycare for being a total douche menace to society.  
There could possibly be a bully beat down in the drop off zone if this kid's mother doesn't take her parenting vitamin and get this demon child under control. I’ve called the school and expressed my distain concerns about this boy. Hopefully a resolution will come from it that doesn’t involve my brass knuckles and bail money.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Pin me

I don’t think I have been this addicted to anything since Jonathan Taylor Thomas in Home Improvement.
Pinterest consumes my mind and steels any potential of being productive or accomplishing anything for the day. My mind is on a non-stop cycle of pins, boards and more pins. And just as soon as my mind is on the verge of resting from crafts, recipes and sparkly nail polish, my mind generator kicks in and before I know it I’m pinning and repining!
The other day I compared Pinterest to internet cocaine and while I have never actually experimented with cocaine, I hear the side effects are quite similar and I was proud of my precise comparison.
I am finding my inner crafty girl and can’t stop thinking of other fun DIY projects. I actually spent my lunch hour the other day at Hobby Lobby just browsing for ideas I got from pins! HOBBY.LOBBY! I’m adjusting my grocery list to accommodate some of the neat recipes I repined and thinking of upcoming events I could possibly work in those adorable snowmen made from marshmallows and pretzel stix. I have an incurable urge to organize my flip flops and food pantry and tubberware. I am now on the prowl for some old shades to make a vintage mail holder with. I am saying “Why didn’t I think of that” multiple times a day. I’m taking inventory of all my junk and trying to create something pin worthy from it… I am out.of.control.
If you don’t participate or have not been invited yet to get all pinny with us, then chances are you have no idea what I am blabbering about and in which case, I apologize. If you do Pin, chances are you know EXACTLY what I am going through and the pure joy received from finding a new awesome pin!
I have invited a few friends to join me in my down whirl spiral straight to the pin-board abyss.   I guess you could call me their enabler, dealer, antagonist…? Whatever! Don’t judge me!  They will be much happier once they experience the pure adrenalin of adding more pins to their boards and finding new ways to spend their hard earned paychecks at Hobby Lobby and Lowe’s.
Do I control the pins, or do the pins control me? No one can tell. I’ve wasted so much time writing this blog that I haven’t pinned anything in like 15 minutes so I must sign off and get busy.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Weekends that start at 6am end with whine AND wine......

Answer: I make choices based on what I want not what is best. I make you come into work earlier each week and work overtime on weekends. I don’t listen to what you have to say. I don’t pay you for anything. You rarely receive appreciation from me and when you do, it’s because I want something from you. I make you wipe my butt and walk behind me to clean up my messes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Jeopardy music~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: Who is your ex husband? Who are YOUR CHILDREN?
I had a scary, awful realization this weekend. I work for my kids. I mean, they run this crazy a*# circus freak show and I’m just the stupid carnie hauling all their stupid crap from show to show. All this time, I kind of thought I was in charge. (Pause for uncontrollable laughter) Come to find out, they were just making me think I was in control by randomly following my instructions and a few yes maam’s here and there…It was all an act, part of a bigger scheme to take over my sanity completely and run me into total submission. They grant me a few solid days complete with good attitudes, kindness towards one another, flexibility with the dinner menu, yes maam, no maam, thank you, no thank you, please, etc… But all of that is a tactic to weaken my defenses and catch me off guard for the ADHD Dennis the Menace type behavior that is about to spout from their little bodies at 6am on a Sunday.
For the love of all things sacred I do not understand the chemical imbalance my children suffer from. Monday-Friday I’m banging spoons on pots and ringing bells to pry their motionless bodies from their beds to get ready for school. To add insult to injury it was like pulling teeth from a rabid polar bear to get them to go to bed the previous night. It’s a battle to lay them down; it’s a battle waking them up…EXCEPT.ON.THE.WEEKENDS. GAH!
Weekends used to be the time to recover from a week’s worth of office politics, errands, stupid customers, annoying co-workers and the source of total rejuvenation. How am I supposed to recover from my week of commission based work when these children wake up so dadgum early? At first I thought it’s just one of those things. Now I realize that it isn’t by happenstance. It’s just a small part of their devilish plan to rob me of my tranquility, poise and self control. I do not operate kindly at 6am. During the week at least I have a paycheck incentive to fake it…Not.on.the.weekends.
 I do everything disgruntled-like until about 12pm when I am able to sleep while baby sleeps.
 On Saturday we took our Christmas pictures and both kids did incredibly well. Kylee is a natural diva and can work a camera better than Cindy Crawford or Kim Kardashian. Logan was in a swell mood and smiled for everything. It wasn’t until the little guy working the computer insisted on showing me every different crop and photo shop available. Kylee and Logan sensed that my ability to focus on them was weakened and took it as an opportunity to be completely destructive and annoying. All the sudden that studio felt like 105° and my arm pits were on fire.
We finally made it home and the hope of a pleasant weekend set before us as we snuggled and watched Christmas movies together on the couch. It was all very Bing Crosbyish. It was so legit; I even posted it to my Facebook and apparently jinxed the whole weekend by doing so. I had no idea that in less than 18 hours, our weekend would descend so quickly to the point of me losing my schmidt!
Our Sunday went a little something like this.
10 til 6:00am – Kids friggin wake up
6:05-6:30am – make strawberry milk and oatmeal
6:30-7:15am – Kids see cookies and refuse to eat oatmeal
7:17am – Give kids cookies in exchange for the promise of quiet TV time
7:23am – Cookies gone, promises broken.
8:00-8:45am – I took a shower with 4 interruptions 6 random questions and 2 screams. The concept of privacy is completely extinct.
9:00-9:35am – Prayer…lots.of.prayer
9:45-10:15am – Get everyone dressed for church.
10:20: Leave for church
After church, lunch and naps the kids were refreshed and repowered with more undomesticated energy and I was…not.
The weather was cold and rainy and as a result kept us cooped up and on top of one another all day. I assume the kids were going stir crazy. That is the only explanation for all the madness. As a last ditch effort to salvage my mental stability we went to my friend’s house for a play date.  It sounded like a good idea at the time but we quickly realized that cold, rainy weather makes kids ca-razy! Our visit unintentionally turned my friend’s house into a zoo when all the monkeys are accidentally let out. With our welcome worn out like a pair of granny panties headed home.
As the clock got closer to their bed time I anxiously awaited for that last hour of my really poopy day to sink into my chair with an ancient episode of Sex and the City and a glass of wine.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Things kids say......

Kids can be a great source of many things. Love, comfort, frustration, humor, the list goes on and on. For me and my situation, my kids are the source to everything in my life. As a single mom my eyes can’t always be on them at all times (please don’t call CPS), but my ears can be. When we are driving in the car and my eyes are on the traffic in front of me but my ears are in the back seat. Or at the grocery store, my eyes are on the 2/$1 Chocolate Bars canned veggies, but my ears are in the shopping cart.  Or in the kitchen, my eyes are on the stove but my ears are in the living room. With my eyes being unavailable 24/7, my ears catch a lot of stuff that my eyes can’t filter the truth of. I often just smirk at the inappropriateness of what I hear leave their innocent little mouths and enter my dirty little mind.  Don’t judge me for having a pervy mind. Sometimes you just gotta laugh it off.
In my defense, I totally fought every urge to say that’s what she said.
In no particular order of hilariousness…..
10.) Logan, get your own balls, these are mine! (Referencing Christmas ornaments)
9.) Logan lick the pink part, it’s the sweetest! (Referencing a two colored lollipop)
8.) Your head is WAY bigger than mine. (Comparing noggin sizes)
7.) Sh*% Ear Mommy (Logan translation – Sit Here Mommy)
6.) Touch her, she’s soft and she likes it. (Referencing a puppy)
5.) You have to sit on his lap to get what you want (In reference to meeting Santa)
4.) Don’t stick it in there (There’s no telling)
3.) He made my sheets sticky!!! (Logan got in her bed with sticky hands)
2.) I like to lick them first then eat em (Referencing peanut butter crackers)
1.) You smell like a toilet seat (um….??)
*Bonus: You can’t fit the whole thing in your mouth…. (Referring to a banana.....I know!)
 Totally porny but as I stood in the produce section, I LOL’ed.