Friday, April 20, 2012

Trust This

I have to get this on paper before the fire settles down. I was invited to go to the Jesus Culture concert with a group from my church. I was so excited to go because Jesus Culture is one of my favorite worship bands, but I also knew that I needed to go and be renewed and refilled. God faithfully revealed Himself to everyone at that Verizon Theatre. No hands went un-lifted and no hearts left closed. The Holy Spirit didn’t just show up, it was blazing and unstoppable.

The world has a consistent way of wearing the tread on our hope wheels down to nothing sometimes. I find myself scrapping the bottom of the barrel just looking for anything to hold on to. Satan uses people, God’s people to manipulate, lie, hurt, and disappoint us almost daily. Recently someone I go to church with contacted me with their concerns that I wasn’t fit to be a good role model for the youth girls I minister to weekly and daily. Her opinions of me were the opposite of who I strive to be. Her views of me made me question myself and my calling. Her words were hurtful and unprovoked. And while I don’t allow people to define who I am, it still stung. It left a mark on my heart and was added to the list of THINGS TO GET OVER.

Things with the X-man are typical. And by typical I mean, we had a good run of peaceful dialogue and co-parenting at it’s finest so surely the waves were brewing. Details are so irrelevant at this point. I’m tired of being a broken record with this topic. I’m tired of it being a topic. I’m tired of the predictability of the topic. I’m tired. The only detail that matters is I’m still a single mom with some really heavy burdens on my shoulders and no opinion of mine will change that fact.

Things with the boy are progressing and still going strong. Trust doesn’t come as naturally and innocently as it once did. I’m learning to take him at his face value. His simplicity confuses me sometimes. We are learning how to communicate and read one another. And there have been minor growing pains, but growth nonetheless. I am trying to trust when my back is turned. I’m trying to believe good choices are made when there is no audience there to witness it. I’m trying but realized I can’t do it on my own. Add it to the list.

Before the concert I was sitting in my seat and began to pray. I wanted God to prepare my heart to receive whatever He had for me. I remember telling God, “bring it on man!” and I meant it. I wanted him to open me up and have his way with me. I love when God can stir me up inside and give me HIS perspective on everything. On me, my struggles, my battles, my victories, my strengths, my weaknesses, my everything. I engaged Him, and He came to me.

Every corner of my life right now is being pressed for something. I have a lot of areas I want to improve. I want to trust without doubts. I want to love without fear. I want to forgive without hesitation. I want to forget without struggle. I want the people in my life to experience me at my best.

He showed me something last night that will help me. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m getting there with the help of Him. I trust Him.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Easter Weekend

I think I’m suffering from writer’s block or something. Well I’m not exactly suffering from it. I just don’t have anything new to talk about. A few friends who follow my blog have requested that I post something new so I’m warning you all, I’m pulling from the bottom of the barrel here. Since Easter just passed, I guess I can talk about the reasons why I hate that Easter Bunny, aside from the fact that he doesn’t exist, he gets all the credit for my work and there is absolutely NO connection between him and Christ rising from the dead. He’s the Santa for spring….

Easter weekend was by definition a success. And by success I mean, the kids came home from school with buckets of plastic eggs and that dreadful cellophane grass crap (thanks granny sue)that clogs my vacuum cleaner and is found all over the house for 6 months post Easter. I have been picking up broken plastic eggs all week long, I’m finding random jelly beans and nerds on the floor and starburst wrappers in the couch cushions and of course spilled sugar Fun Dip. The aftermath of Easter lingers for quite some time. Much like the stench of cooking cabbage…. Ick. But on a positive note, I was able to snatch some of the kid’s reeses peanut butter eggs and hide them in the freezer for myself. Win!

Kylee and I went head to head this past weekend. The cause of her extreme brat- like behavior has yet to be determined but experiments with the belt have rendered significant results. I’m not certain where she received the sense of entitlement, or gained the courage to argue with everything I say, but she went full blown politician on me. All that was missing was a podium for her to stand behind as she debated with me about, ev-er-y-THING. Thankfully we had a moment to just sit and talk Sunday night and she has been great since then. Her attitude can be like a defected treadmill that goes backward and forward and you never know when it’s gonna work properly. 

The Boy’s son has a baseball game on Saturday. I am still not attending those yet. His X isn’t too thrilled about the idea of me or the existence of me for that matter. So respectfully, we are waiting to pull that band-aid off. I’m a woman, a mother and ex-wife just like she is. So I can understand the emotions she is experiencing. My toes have been stepped on by the X-man’s girlfriends before and I don’t desire to be the one stepping on anyone’s toes.

After a weekend jammed packed with kids, events, errands, family and church it’s nice to know a weekend with nothing on my horizon except the Boy.

Is it Friday yet?