Friday, April 20, 2012

Trust This

I have to get this on paper before the fire settles down. I was invited to go to the Jesus Culture concert with a group from my church. I was so excited to go because Jesus Culture is one of my favorite worship bands, but I also knew that I needed to go and be renewed and refilled. God faithfully revealed Himself to everyone at that Verizon Theatre. No hands went un-lifted and no hearts left closed. The Holy Spirit didn’t just show up, it was blazing and unstoppable.

The world has a consistent way of wearing the tread on our hope wheels down to nothing sometimes. I find myself scrapping the bottom of the barrel just looking for anything to hold on to. Satan uses people, God’s people to manipulate, lie, hurt, and disappoint us almost daily. Recently someone I go to church with contacted me with their concerns that I wasn’t fit to be a good role model for the youth girls I minister to weekly and daily. Her opinions of me were the opposite of who I strive to be. Her views of me made me question myself and my calling. Her words were hurtful and unprovoked. And while I don’t allow people to define who I am, it still stung. It left a mark on my heart and was added to the list of THINGS TO GET OVER.

Things with the X-man are typical. And by typical I mean, we had a good run of peaceful dialogue and co-parenting at it’s finest so surely the waves were brewing. Details are so irrelevant at this point. I’m tired of being a broken record with this topic. I’m tired of it being a topic. I’m tired of the predictability of the topic. I’m tired. The only detail that matters is I’m still a single mom with some really heavy burdens on my shoulders and no opinion of mine will change that fact.

Things with the boy are progressing and still going strong. Trust doesn’t come as naturally and innocently as it once did. I’m learning to take him at his face value. His simplicity confuses me sometimes. We are learning how to communicate and read one another. And there have been minor growing pains, but growth nonetheless. I am trying to trust when my back is turned. I’m trying to believe good choices are made when there is no audience there to witness it. I’m trying but realized I can’t do it on my own. Add it to the list.

Before the concert I was sitting in my seat and began to pray. I wanted God to prepare my heart to receive whatever He had for me. I remember telling God, “bring it on man!” and I meant it. I wanted him to open me up and have his way with me. I love when God can stir me up inside and give me HIS perspective on everything. On me, my struggles, my battles, my victories, my strengths, my weaknesses, my everything. I engaged Him, and He came to me.

Every corner of my life right now is being pressed for something. I have a lot of areas I want to improve. I want to trust without doubts. I want to love without fear. I want to forgive without hesitation. I want to forget without struggle. I want the people in my life to experience me at my best.

He showed me something last night that will help me. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m getting there with the help of Him. I trust Him.