There are some areas in my life that I have welcomed the Lord into and opened the doors and rolled out the red carpet for Him. He graciously set up shop in these places and wrecked house. An extreme make over: Soul Edition. But I resisted His presence in certain places that I kept blocked off from the outside world. Secret closets and rooms deep inside that I decorated with smiles and laughter and hung images of healing. Just in case anyone ever found these secret rooms, they would look nice and neat and organized.
My opposition to letting the Lord into these places was rooted by fear that by acknowledging them would resurrect them. I had mastered the art of burying my insecurities, fears and hurts that if I shed light on them I would somehow give them power to rule over me again.
There was a time in my life when the buzz of a cell phone would strike up a paralyzing fear that plagued my every thought for the rest of that day. Satan 1: Me 0.
There was a time in my life where being left alone with my newborn depressed me. The fear of messing up was sickening to me. Satan 2: Me 0.
There was a time in my life when an argument with friends, family or my spouse would leave me snuggled up with a grudge for weeks. Wreaking havoc on my relationships. Satan 25: Me 0.
I’m at a place now where the buzz of a cell phone doesn’t make my stomach tense up
every time, I don’t fear messing up as a mom constantly
and, well I still hold grudges longer than I probably should but I’m working on
it. Satan: 25 Me: 32 – I stopped keeping score.
This post doesn’t really have a meaning or a point. Mainly just to vacuum these thoughts off the floor of my mind.
Today when I was dropping Kylee off, she made a comment that her friend Anthony was so lucky because his mom sits and eats breakfast with him in the cafeteria before school. I know in her heart she didn’t mean to jab at my many shortcomings as a mom. But it really hurt my feelings. There’s nothing I would love more than to have the first meal of the day with her. My feelings were riding pretty close to the surface this morning though. Probably due to the mini fit Logan threw over skittles and the fact that we were already 5 minutes behind schedule. I know she can’t fully comprehend that being on time to work is detrimental to the food she consumes daily or the gas that gets her to and from cheer practice. I can’t help her understand the why’s and the why nots of my choices; All of which are made to benefit her and Logan.
I still feel insecure, worried, afraid, curious and nervous about stuff. And innocent statements like that invite my insecurities out to have a field day on my heart.
Today my prayer is that God will adopt my fears and concerns and replace them with His confident love and assurance for me. I am constantly reminded that my feelings simply cannot dictate my life but the facts from God are what I can lean on and trust. Fear and anxiety have no place on His plan and purpose for my life.
I need to reboot today and start over.