Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Mother Resume


Amanda D Saunders a.ka. Moooooommmm!
123 Welcome To Organized Caos Lane
Burleson, TX 76028

OBJECTIVE:
Continue raising the children that God entrusted to me with little to no mental damage or visible scars. To maintain a semi-clean living environment. To do the dishes every night and not put them off until the morning (because let's face it, that ain't gonna happen). To teach them things that Disney and NickJr can’t. Resume teaching my kids the difference between joking and lying, what the dirty clothes baskets are for and where the trash can is in every room. Demonstrate how to be kind and patient (except when in traffic or in the line at the grocery store behind someone with a coupon book)

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:

Two Years of Single Parenting:
Top priorities for the success of the household included but are not limited to the following:

  • Daily Prayer
  • Paying rent on time
  • Meal plan (does not include rotating Taquitos, chicken nuggets and Macaroni)
  • Picking which battles to fight and which to let go. (I.e. answering the door for the pizza delivery guy while you’re changing your shirt in the living room and forced to leap behind the door – Suit up its battle time. Letting them have another Go-Gurt before dinner – let it go)
  • Multi task – (i.e. Get home, walk in the door, sit purse down, respond to requests for juice and snacks, rotate laundry, unload dishwasher, feed the fish, get on the floor and tickle the kids, cook dinner, (smile) eat dinner, open the toy box while you clean up dinner, start baths, remind them where the dirty clothes basket is (again) wash kids, (smile) read stories, make lunch for the next day, sign folders, (smile) tuck the kids in bed, open the wine SMILE… Repeat following business day)
  • Remain unbiased when a sibling argument erupts even if you know the older sibling was purposely trying to get that exact reaction from their little brother and the little brother retaliated and hit the older sister in the head with his Iron Man. (don’t point out my run on sentence) Lessons to be learned, teach them.
  • Breathe and smile
  • Drink wine
  • Record a lot of Bravo TV shows
  • Find a new way of saying NO that makes them think you are saying YES. I find it helps to blame the teachers or your boss for your shortcomings. (i.e. I wish I could but my boss won’t let me off work and if I don’t work we can’t go to the movies this weekend. Or, I would love to help with that fundraiser but your teacher said they have enough volunteers…. Look Wizards of Waverly place is on!! Would you like some skittles?
  • Hot baths
EDUCATION:
My education as a” moooooommmmm” is based solely on live and learn basis typically learned the smelly, sticky and hard way.

  • Don’t attempt to make that quick run to the store without an emergency diaper and wipes. You will NOT be in and out, you WILL have a doody situation and you WILL be that mom with the smelly poop-stained-pants kids causing heads to turn and eyebrows to be raised.
  • Keep your reaction to tantrums, shots, injuries down to a minimal freak out conniption
  • Don’t expect to sit down often
  • Sippy cups are a moldy milk booby trap. If there is a sippy cup left out, rinse it immediately or it will grow Brussels sprouts and attract trolls.
  • Your car will magnetize wrappers, happy meal toys, markers with missing lids, empty juice boxes and dirty socks. The harder you try to keep it clean, the dirtier it gets. Don’t fight it.
  • Your idea of a clean room and the kid’s idea of a clean room will always differ. Never underestimate how much crap will fit under the bed. Always inspect the job.
  • Skipping naps is never a good idea no matter how good of a mood they are in before noon. The transformation from pleasant child to Bart Simpson is rapid.
  • The dirty clothes basket will always be viewed as a sled, a cage or car. There is no cure for this.
  • Being late means nothing to kid’s. Literally.
  • Communication when the TV on is impossible. I repeat, IMPOSSIBLE. If there is a fire, turn the TV off first, then yell FIRE!
  • You can’t be in two places at once. Trying to will result in a pulled muscle.
  • You can’t please two kids at once. Trying to will result in a frustration attack.
  • When a kid promises they won’t make a mess, they’re lying.

SKILLS: Multi-tasker, full time dispute settler, precise booger picker, toddler groomer, expedited chauffer, personal chef, warden, on call nurse, specialized assistant, individual caregiver, full time MOOOOOOM.


References Available Upon Request. Could take up to 7 business days.