Friday, November 30, 2012

10 Things NOT to get your lady for Christmas

In an attempt to save lives, I am posting this for any male readers I might have. I’m pretty sure I have 1 or 2. And one of those two are my boyfriend who I force encourage to read my posts sometimes. So ladies you will need to casually place this entry somewhere they might accidentally read it. Like next to the remote, the Cowboys schedule, or the toilet.

Holidays are a great time to show your spouse that you haven’t been tuning them out all year. And when she makes those not so subtle hints and you grunt and nod in agreement, that you actually heard the words she produced. Chances are you didn’t hear her over the referee throwing flags on the play so that’s where I come in. After some mild field research (Facebook) I have compiled a list of Naughty gifts to steer clear of when shopping for the special lady in your life.

1.       Unless SPECIFICALLY requested under NO circumstances should you buy her any type of cookware. And by specifically I mean you need to know the model#. Maybe even record her requesting this item for future argument reference.
2.       Similar to #1, any type of cleaning gadgets is also viewed and douche-baggy. We’ve conceded to the fact that if we want it cleaned or urine free we have to be the ones to wipe it and wash it. But no amount of fancy gadget will make that fact easier to swallow. If anything, it will just add additional pissy-ness to our chore day.
3.       Tools. Just because we have trouble hanging pictures evenly doesn’t mean we want a laser level. I don’t care how many DIY pins she has on Pinterest she does not want tools! And yes we occasionally need a Phillips screwdriver to change batteries in our kid’s toys. This is not a tip-off that we would like an electric screwdriver or anything else that you can get from Home Depot.
4.       Underwear. There is a time and place for this stuff gentlemen. Christmas morning in front of grandma is not it. Not to mention, men are generally clueless about the style and fit we prefer. Sleeping undies, daily undies,  honeymoon undies…. Plus you don’t wanna be that guy digging thru the bin of underwear at Victoria Secret. P.S. do you really know what size we are? Don’t risk it.
5.       Chocolate or anything else edible or homemade. Women want to have a tangible gift to show off to their friends use or put somewhere and remember that at least once this year you took the time to think about us and this present symbolizes that. If we eat it then there is nothing left to show for it except a few extra inches to our hips and probably new underwear that won’t fit.
6.       Books. This is tricky because it won’t always be the case. Each woman is different but my guess is if your lady is a serious reader then she will already have the books downloaded to her Kindle Fire the second they became available on Itunes or Amazon. If she doesn’t it’s because she isn’t an avid reader and you need to exit Barnes and Nobles and try again.
7.       Jewelry. Whuck?! All women love jerwlery right? WRONG! All women love diamonds. Again, this is tricky because most women would be thrilled that you got her jewelry but a women’s definition of jewelry and a man’s differ slightly. This is also a slippery slope if you aren’t married but seriously dating your significant other. Your lady is wanting more than a charm bracelet. If you’re set on getting her jewelry this year, stay away from the terms, “"plated", "filled" or gold-tone".  And if you look at the price and feel good about it, keep looking. It the price scares you and makes you sweat some, you’re getting closer. Basically, go big or go home… Alone.
8.       Gag gifts. It’s Christmas, not April Fools Day. Don’t try to showcase your marvelous sense of humor right now. It’s not funny, it’s not cute. Trust me.
9.       Anything sensible. Women are generally very dependable, responsible and reasonable 365 days a year. Mix it up with a sky diving lesson, helicopter ride, hot air balloon adventures. Help us to let our freak flag fly!
10.   A Gym Membership. Unless you already have your burial plot picked out do not attempt this. It doesn’t matter how much she has been complaining about getting in shape or fitting into her old jeans. You will be wounded or killed or worse.

This list could vary from chick to chick. Speaking from experience and the polls I took, this is a generic guideline to assist with your holiday shopping. Merry Christmas fellas!

These better not be keys to your heart, dear.