Tuesday, December 4, 2012

10 Things I wish My Kids Knew.......


Sunday afternoon I found myself sitting on the couch smothered between two dirty kids who have no clue what personal space is. By 2pm my energy had hit an all time low and any vision of give a crap had vanished hours ago. I had no will left in me to fold clothes, unload dishes, or anything productive or anything in the vicinity of productive. I spoke to my sister and good friend who is battling the antics of what appears to be a demon child who is only happy when making her mommy miserable. Both were having a similar crappy day in the land of motherhood. Those two conversations probably saved my life and the lives of my children. The saying that misery loves company is completely true, especially when referring to this mothering gig. If it weren’t for days like that, I probably wouldn’t have blogs like this though. Snaps for counting my blessings yall!

So I have compiled a list of things I wish my kids knew. I’m certain if kids knew these things about their parents we could all co-exist peacefully with minimal ace whoopins, tear fests and empty wine bottles boxes.

1.       My car is a transportation device to get you to and from appointments, school, birthday parties, practice, games, and etc, NOT your personal trash receptacle!  For the love of all things sacred if it enters the car with you it should leave the car with you. This includes your silly art projects that consist of glitter and glue. 90% glitter and 10% glue. It also includes your socks, half eaten bag of ANYTHING, your juice boxes, your backpack with homework in it, your doodles, your pens, your crayons, the wrappers from your crayons that you peeled off because you were bored at the red light and anything from that dag-gum happy meal you just HAD to have. I swear I could feed a small village with all the French fries I find between the back seats! My SUV is one Go-gurt container away from being considered hazardous. For real.
2.       NO means NO. It doesn’t mean try again but whiner and more annoying. It means NO. If we say it again it means HELL HECK NO. Believe it or not parents have reasons for their actions. Sure, sometimes it’s because we need a hot bath, wine and the season finale of The Walking Dead is coming on. But most of the time it’s because we love you and NO will keep you safe, healthy or we have greater things planned for you and a YES could detour us from those activities. I assure you it has nothing to do with our longing desire to ruin your life by denying you that bag of skittles. Promise.
3.       As good as I know I am at multi-tasking, I physically cannot be in two places at once nor can I listen to two people at once. Not my fault. Blame Einstein, I think. But seriously, what on this planet makes you think I’m capable of making you a bowl of cereal when I’m taking a shower? If your sibling is speaking to me, please don’t interrupt them and then get all Marsha Marsha Marsha on me when I make you wait your turn. It feels like I’m being injected with anger when I hear MOOOOOOOOOM from the other side of the house or “You aren’t listening to me.” The only time yelling for me is acceptable is if your legs are broken or someone has you hog tied to the couch. Otherwise, get your lazy rear end off the couch, pause Austin and Ally, walk to me and make your request and add a please to the end of your order! Repeating MOOOOOOM will only send me down a funnel of fury and I will take you with me. And for Pete’s sake mind your manners and don’t interrupt!
4.       I don’t like sharing. I really don’t. 95% of everything in our household is already yours. And if it used to be mine it is probably yours now too. So excuse me if I don’t wanna share my ipod, ipad, phone or anything else with you. (side note: I don’t even have an Ipad but if I did I wouldn’t want to share it) I also don’t like sharing my bed. My bed is big enough to share but something strange happens to your equilibrium the second you enter my bed and you lay horizontal, diagonal, sideways and any other way that is not vertical. Your bodies expand like a starfish and I end up fighting for a small portion of the edge of the bed.  It’s a lava lamp of limbs and I wake up feeling like I slept in a tuna can. Sleep in your own bed!
5.       My name is MOM, not OZ. I do not know the answer to every question. There is a limit to my knowledge believe it or not. I don’t know the color of wind, I don’t know WHY, I don’t know how tall clouds are, I don’t know, I don’t know I.DO.NOT.KNOW!!!!! 9 times out of 10 my answer is going to be Because I said so anyway! Go play!
6.       Birthday parties and Christmas don’t plan themselves. There is a lot happening behind the scenes to give you these Hallmark moments.  A lot of planning, organizing, shopping and prepping is involved. It kinda makes me wanna blow a fog horn in your face when you look up at me with those disappointed eyes because the cake topper is wrong. A thank you would be marvelous but I’d settle for a friggin smile.
7.       Money. I wish you understood what it is and how it’s earned. I wish you knew that your needs will always trump your wants. It isn’t that I don’t want to give you stuff. But considering where most of your stuff ends up (under your bed or in a pile in the closet) I’m not too enthusiastic on forgoing your groceries for the week so that you can have a new toy that will probably end up lost or broken or both. On the same topic, it would be equally nice if you understood that every trip to the grocery store does not mean you automatically get candy.
8.       I wish they understood that there is only 1 of me and two of them. I don’t have a favorite all the time. I have to be MOM to both of them all the time and that doesn’t mean I love one more than the other so stop asking me who my favorite is!
9.       I wish they knew how fun I can be when I’m not exhausted. When I don’t have to exert most of my energy to refereeing their squabbles and justifying my choices to them then I can be pretty darn awesome. Allowing me to rest 5 minutes when we walk in the door instead of demanding snacks and juice might energize me enough to beat them in a tickle fight later instead of just beating them.
10.    Lastly and most importantly, I wish they knew how much I love them. I wish they could comprehend a small fraction of my love, admiration and devotion to them.  I wish they could understand that I am always on their side and fighting to provide a happy, safe and fulfilling life for them. And I’m not their opponent or enemy to challenge. That disciplining them hurts me more than them. If only they knew their happiness is a badge of honor on my mother vest and my love for them is never ending.

I’m certain if these things could be taught and understood by our children then there would be a lot less Mommy Blogs out there to read. So until then, I'll get my blog on here!