Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Bad Days Need Wine


There are just some days that start off in such a way that you know the rest of your day is going to require wine, a hot bath and/or heavy sedation. That’s how my day began yesterday and today.

Keep in mind Logan still refuses to walk. Great fun! Even though he walked from his bed to my bed at 3am, he still says he can’t walk. Yesterday I woke up like any other day and began our normal routine. Rise and shine! (Disgruntled kids moan and refuse to move) Come on guys we gotta get up. Repeat 3-7 times, add eye rolling. I carried the broken kid to the living room and tried to get him dressed without touching his “hurt” foot. Next time you put jeans on your kid try to do it without touching their leg. Go ahead, its fun. It would be easier to dress a mercat! Carrying Logan to and from is like carrying a huge sack of potatoes that screams at you and chokes your neck.

Two hours into my work day I get a call from daycare that Logan needed to be picked up. I explained to the daycare on Monday that Logan was fine. He COULD walk but is afraid to try. My suggestion to them was not to cater to his laziness. If he wants a toy, he will have to walk or crawl to it and hopefully he would get tired of that and realize he can in fact, WALK! Apparently without a note from the doctor saying exactly what I already said, he would have to leave. 4 hours, 1 happy meal a $73 doctor’s note, 5 missed texts, 8 missed emails later he was back at school and I was back at work. I watched my day climb to the high dive and did a cannon ball into a big pool of (ear muffs) shit.

This morning when we woke up I saw the current temperature was 43° with a high of 53° so when Kylee came in wearing shorts I gave her a twitchy look and said she needed to change. She then unleashed a tsunami of back talk, whining, pouting and begging. Kylee has a very unstable relationship with pants. Getting her to wear them has always been a struggle. Luckily we live in Texas so this is only a pain in my a%# about 6 weeks out of the year. She doesn’t like jeans either, she will only wear jeggings, and don’t even put a pair of pajama pants in her path without wearing a metal shield. I remember when she started school and how naive I was to think that thanks to uniforms the getting dress battle would be over. Wrong. So very wrong.

When I woke up this morning my stomach felt queasy. No I’m not pregnant. I felt like something needed to come out and it was a coin toss of which end it was going to be. No I’m not pregnant. So I continued getting ready and arguing with Kylee about wearing pants.  No I’m not pregnant. (Face in palm, shaking my head)I strongly believe her outbursts are having a physical affect on me.  No I’m not pregnant. (I didn’t blog about this but on Monday night let’s just say her lack of enthusiasm to listen to me resulted in her passing out from crying at 7:45pm.) Of course the sound of dry heaving isn’t easy to conceal so Kylee witnessed this happening. Here is what I predict will happen next. Kylee will tell her daddy that mommy was throwing up this morning. Daddy will think I’m pregnant. I will receive a text inquiring about my due date. I will respond that I’m not pregnant, rather just suffering from the affects of a strong willed, too smart for her own good, always has an opinion 6 year old. I won’t be believed and it will take 9 months for the rumor to die.

How is your week so far? 


Monday, January 28, 2013

The Tooth Fairy, Frankenweenie and sprained ankles.


Hey yall! Remember last week when I said I would have some good mothering type stuff to write about. Well I do. This weekend consisted of losing teeth, sprained ankles and Frankenweenie. Here’s the recap.

Kylee’s tooth has been lose for a long time now. I can do poop, boogers, even throw up. (Within moderation) I can’t do teeth. Just the idea of a wiggly tooth sends my stomach to a bad place. Unfortunately Kylee knew this and insisted on showing me her tooth every 7 seconds and then trying to trick me into touching it. She’s wicked. 

So Friday evening she was munching on some crackers and it just fell out. I almost heard a choir of angels singing HALLEJULUAH, HALLEJULUAH, HALLEJULUAH HALLEJULUAH, HALLEJULUAH!!!’ It was actually me singing. We put her tooth in a little bag and sat it on the kitchen counter. Kylee was having her friend sleep over that night. The girls immediately escaped to her room and shut the door. The karaoke, singing, dancing, dressing up had commenced. Later that night Kylee and her friend wanted to look at her tooth. For the sake of hearing myself talk I told her not to take it out of the bag. And for the sake of disobeying me she did it anyway. Of course she lost her tooth, in every sense of the word. I PUT IT RIGHT HERE, she says. Panic set in when she realized that without the tooth she might not get money from the tooth fairy. She asked me if she would still get money for it. I saw this as a sign to come clean about fairies and that they only exist in Queens, NY. I decided not to based on the wildly popular opinion that I would be “robbing her of the magic.” Plus the tooth fairy had been hiding $2 in her underwear drawer for almost a month now. I wrote her The tooth fairy wrote her a note saying if she finds her tooth to leave it under her pillow and she would come back for it and left the cash. Crisis averted.

Saturday morning the kids and I met Kurt and Isaac at a fire station that was open to the public for demonstrations, tours and other fun stuff. The kids got to sit in the fire truck, and “alien pants” (ambulance) and even use a fire extinguisher. They had a good time but the park across the street captured more of their attention. When can we go to the park? Hey are we going to that park? Is it time to go to the park yet?

So we went to the park…

Five minutes of being there Logan got hurt. Going down the slide there was no friction between his shoe and the side of the slide causing him to twist his little foot backwards. From the sound of his screaming you would have thought there had been an amputation preformed by a clown with a dull knife. He was completely out of commission the remainder of the weekend. He wouldn’t walk or stand on it without someone helping him. What does a paralyzed little 3 year old do? He milks it bone dry. Mommy, I need this… Mommy I need that. Hey mommy…. Hey mommy… Help me mommy. Carry me mommy, ouch that hurt me mommy! Don’t drive too fast mommy, that bump hurt me mommy!  We spent all weekend with Kurt and Isaac so luckily I was able to tag team it with him. Kurt took Kylee and Isaac to an abandoned parking lot (Isaac calls it a “bandit lot” – SO CUTE) to ride their skateboard and scooters while Logan and I watched Frankenweenie over, and over, and over. I lost track around the 4th time.  Later that night as we all hung out just coloring and making forts; it dawned on me that this would be our new normal. And I love it. 

Sunday we went to church, had lunch then went to the “bandit lot” one more time to let the kids play. Of course my crippled, blonde haired monkey and I sat on the steps and watched. Later that night Logan told me his foot hurt and Frankenweenie would make it better… so we watched it… AGAIN. 

Logan still isn’t walking.

Happy Monday everyone! 

(Kurt and the kids)

(Kylee using a fire extinguisher)

(Inside the fire truck - 2 out of 3 ain't bad. This was prior to his ankle incident but pretty much how he looked the rest of the weekend)

(Kylee and Logan)

(Isaac, Kylee and Logan)

(Isaac)

(Kurt and Logan playing a game together)


Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm an old 28 year old


Technically I’m not old. By definition I’m still in my twenties which is not considered old, mathematically speaking. But my body and mind are so old. I blame a lot of my mental and physical decline on the kids. It seems I have a much lower tolerance for stupidity than I did in the past.

I have compiled a list of things that contribute to me  being this crotchety old hag….at 28.

10. You’re painfully aware of how much contact you have with feces on a weekly basis. Even after your kids are potty trained you will still find yourself wiping asses round the clock. And if you aren’t careful this could spill over to when they are adults too. (this is another topic entirely) And you’re still buying wipes except now you have to buy those special ones that can flush but later realize no one is flushing them. The kids are just throwing them on the floor of the bathroom and then someone comes by with sticky fingers and finds it much easier to use a doo doo wipe than get a new one or God forbid actually wash their hands with soap. Gah kids are gross.

9. The idea of taking kids to a restaurant overcomes my actual need to consume food. Venturing out to take your children to a place where adults go to have conversations and enjoy a peaceful meal is terrifying. You are purposely bringing your kids into an environment that for some reason kids literally forget every manner you have ever taught them. Their bodies get all jittery like a drug addict going thru withdrawals and they are unable to sit still. Then your eye starts twitching, your pits start sweating and then you remember why you don’t take them anywhere.

8. We’re tired and we know and our panties surely show it. Before I had kids I wore thongs. That’s right! (MOM stop reading right now and pick up at #7. )All sorts of thongs! The lacey ones, the pretty ones, the sexy ones, neon colored ones, the works! Not for anyone in particular. I just liked the idea that if I got in a severe car accident and the EMT crew had to remove my clothing with scissors that my bra and panties at least matched. Plus there really is something about wearing sexy underwear that makes you feel like your life is coming together. I no longer wear thongs. Something changed after baby #2. Mothers of 1 may not get this but I asked, and my mother friends of 2 totally understood. Maybe after baby #2 you have to be more sensible about things. I mean come on, grocery shopping with two kids in tow is annoying enough without adding massive wedgie and potential yeast infection to the mix. Am I right? I haven’t crossed over into granny panty land and I don’t intend to. Maybe that comes after baby 3.. Ladies?  Who knows, but as for me and my rump, we are comfortable in boy shorts and bikini bottoms.  My thongs have since retired.

7. You have to cross your legs and quench every time you sneeze, cough, blow your nose, or jump on a trampoline. This blame goes 100% to the kids. No doubt. The sacrifices our bodies make to bring children into the world are revolting.

6. I can’t make it to midnight at a party or out with friends without the aid of a 5 hour energy. Once upon a time I would begin getting ready for the night at 8 or 9pm. Nowadays if I’m invited to go out past 9pm I have to plan ahead by taking a nap that day, drinking mountain dew and mentally prepare to wear a bra for 5 extra hours. Oh and once the bra comes off, I’m in for the night. No debates. It’s sad.

5. MTV  drives me insane. I know this is a guilty pleasure for some, but to me, its straight torture. Snooki, Jwow, Teen Mom, barf.  I know it’s our human nature to want to watch a train wreck unfold in front of us but these shows send my mother instincts into overdrive and all I want to do is yank Snooki by her bump-it and catapult her into a major timeout! I’d like to fist pump her and the rest of that cast into an STD seminar.  About 8 years ago I would arrange my schedule around watching that garbage, now I’d rather watch CSPAN.  

4. I’d prefer a massage over…. Um, pretty much anything besides chocolate and bacon. There is never a moment that something in my body isn’t hurting. Each time I move I hear popping, or if I stretch too hard I get a cramp. I’m 28 years old not 65! This should not be happening yet.

3. If I go to a movie and there is a pack of teenagers threatening to destroy my once a quarter outing to a motion picture, I won’t hesitate to get my crazy on. And what I mean is I will pretend to go to the bathroom and tell a manager.  

2. I say things like, “When I was your age.” 

1. I can’t think of anymore so if any of you readers have something to add that makes you feel a trillion years older than you really are, please comment!!! 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

This one isn't funny either guys, sorry


I had previously begun writing a blog about my decision to leave Facebook. I’d like to just chalk it up to a personal decision I made for myself. I sent out a massive message to those I was closest to on the social network that I was deactivating my account and that we would have to keep in touch the old fashioned way which may or may not involve actual stamps. Then everyone got all up in my chili and wanted to know what happened? When the truth is nothing really happened other than I finally stopped making excuses and justifying my flesh and listened to the Holy Spirit. I had been praying for about two weeks that God reveal to me anything or anyone who was hindering my walk with Him or distracting me from being the best version of myself. The thing about asking God to show us things, and guide us in our messy lives is we either don’t listen or choose our way over His. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

One day last week Kylee got in trouble for talking in class. I asked her what happened. Her typical juvenile response was, “everyone was talking.” I asked her if that made it okay and instinctively she said no. Before she went to bed early that night I sat with her and told her that usually in life, if everyone is doing it, then it’s probably a good decision to go the other way. Then God said, Amanda, this goes for you too. Fast forward a couple days. Kurt and I were talking and he made a comment about Facebook. He said, Jesus wouldn’t go to the market to gossip with the women would he? And that was the confirmation I needed. Not that every Facebook user pursues drama or gossip. But that is what it had evolved into for me. And God tells us to flee from temptation. So I got to fleein’!!

The past two weeks have been very spiritually challenging for both myself and Kurt.  He was being pressed and stirred up by the Lord with some things and at the same time I was being challenged in my faith. 1 Peter 5:10 tells us And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

At that time, in the eye of our storms I don’t believe Kurt and I truly knew what we were about to experience but on Wednesday 1/16/2013 God made His presence known to both of us.  And whatever reasons or excuses we previously had to dodge Him had been removed. Side note: sparring personal details, I’m so immensely proud of Kurt. There are no words for how brave and honorable this man is.

If you have been following my blog since the beginning it’s no secret that my divorce was like a scene from a horror movie.  The relationship I had/have with the X-man has never been sturdy, reliable, or peaceful. Of course there were short periods of peace..Typically as a result of my exceptional ability to pretend and ignore things. Our relationship is a lot like trying to balance a bowling ball on a pencil, or roller blade on marbles or watch Kathy Lee Gifford do stand up. Recently in the foggy moments of anger and desperation I took my personal struggles to Facebook. (see previous blog) I got up on my unearned platform that FB gives to anyone with an email account and began using that stage to express MY opinions, MY disappointments, MY defense, MY side. MY, MY, MY. Where is God in that? When we remove God from our actions, the words we speak, the way we live, we give Satan not just an entry into our lives but a red carpet, champagne and hors d'oeuvres wrapped in bacon.

At the same time Kurt was under fire with his own struggles. My junk and his junk collided last week in a way that denying God’s hand in it was undeniable. It was like a well rehearsed and orchestrated event. We discussed our past and how it would terminally affect our future if we didn’t deal with it.

So, he is cleaning up his past messes and seeking forgiveness and healing, I am pursuing God’s perspective on my situation so that I may act and speak out of the spirit not the flesh. We are on the road to redemption, together.

Wow, I guess this blog wasn’t my normal humorous self. But guys listen, I have the kids this weekend and I’m sure I will get some new mommy material to write about soon. Please keep reading and thank you for being part of this incredible journey with me. 


Friday, January 18, 2013

My Epic Fail

Hey guys! Wow I really didn’t mean to take a month long hiatus but I swear every time I sat down and began typing my fingers produced a bunch of mixed up topics sprinkled with anger and frustration. These past few weeks have been very trying for me. I have gone thru a plethora of emotions and I was unable to process them like a normal adult would. I reverted back to child mode and began speaking and acting out like a kid. It definitely wasn’t one of my prouder moments. I am better than the person I let out of her cage recently.

Writing helps me work it out in my head so bear with me.

I recently began pursing that my ex be held legally responsible for the terms outlined in our divorce decree. Oh just the usual, child support and insurance for our children. Basically I started World War 3. Because somehow men perceive supporting the basic needs of their children to somehow mean they are being taken advantage of… I can’t get into the psychosis of that theory without my head swelling up to the size of a watermelon and I’m out of Excedrin. I would like to point out that not all men have this back-asswards way of thinking. I proudly know a few good men (accidental pun) who gladly over provide for their children’s basic needs and more. Shout out to the real fathers who contribute morally and financially to the needs of their children without resistance. Kurt, Mo, Michael Brenner, Michael Williams, Daniel and anyone else who chooses peace over their pride. After I took the issue to Facebook which is always a good idea guys (insert extreme sarcasm here___). One smart ass post and 33 comments later the battle was under way. It wasn’t right. I indulged myself in self gratification and justice. I wanted his dirty laundry out there for those who creep my profile on his behalf to see the truth. It wasn’t right. Did I already mention that? My mom and good friend messaged me right away to stop but I couldn’t. I failed. Big time.

Every day I strive to allow God to shine thru me in what I say and do. I tell the kids all the time not to allow other’s bad choices or decisions to define who they are and who God has called them to be. Epic fail. That night I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness. I was so focused on where I stood in this situation that I was blinded to where God needed me in it. The weight of letting God down the way I did was too heavy for me.

There has been no resolution to my problem yet. But because I have surrendered it to the Lord I know there will be in His time. I have replaced my anger for peace. I will probably have to repeat that daily and sometimes hourly. The anger is so natural. When you are being wronged by someone it can be so difficult to turn away from the resentment and pursue happiness. I think that’s what sets us apart from the world. I say “us” but I fall short of that all the time.

This year there is a lot happening and changing in my life and the lives of my kids. It’s a very exciting time for us and I think its Satan’s goal to ruin it in any way he can. So maybe by writing this I can somehow hold myself accountable to not allowing my emotions to rule over my mouth.
Sorry if this was all jumbled and made no sense… I think this blog entry is more for me than you… I’ll get you on the next one though!


Have a great weekend everyone!