Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm an old 28 year old


Technically I’m not old. By definition I’m still in my twenties which is not considered old, mathematically speaking. But my body and mind are so old. I blame a lot of my mental and physical decline on the kids. It seems I have a much lower tolerance for stupidity than I did in the past.

I have compiled a list of things that contribute to me  being this crotchety old hag….at 28.

10. You’re painfully aware of how much contact you have with feces on a weekly basis. Even after your kids are potty trained you will still find yourself wiping asses round the clock. And if you aren’t careful this could spill over to when they are adults too. (this is another topic entirely) And you’re still buying wipes except now you have to buy those special ones that can flush but later realize no one is flushing them. The kids are just throwing them on the floor of the bathroom and then someone comes by with sticky fingers and finds it much easier to use a doo doo wipe than get a new one or God forbid actually wash their hands with soap. Gah kids are gross.

9. The idea of taking kids to a restaurant overcomes my actual need to consume food. Venturing out to take your children to a place where adults go to have conversations and enjoy a peaceful meal is terrifying. You are purposely bringing your kids into an environment that for some reason kids literally forget every manner you have ever taught them. Their bodies get all jittery like a drug addict going thru withdrawals and they are unable to sit still. Then your eye starts twitching, your pits start sweating and then you remember why you don’t take them anywhere.

8. We’re tired and we know and our panties surely show it. Before I had kids I wore thongs. That’s right! (MOM stop reading right now and pick up at #7. )All sorts of thongs! The lacey ones, the pretty ones, the sexy ones, neon colored ones, the works! Not for anyone in particular. I just liked the idea that if I got in a severe car accident and the EMT crew had to remove my clothing with scissors that my bra and panties at least matched. Plus there really is something about wearing sexy underwear that makes you feel like your life is coming together. I no longer wear thongs. Something changed after baby #2. Mothers of 1 may not get this but I asked, and my mother friends of 2 totally understood. Maybe after baby #2 you have to be more sensible about things. I mean come on, grocery shopping with two kids in tow is annoying enough without adding massive wedgie and potential yeast infection to the mix. Am I right? I haven’t crossed over into granny panty land and I don’t intend to. Maybe that comes after baby 3.. Ladies?  Who knows, but as for me and my rump, we are comfortable in boy shorts and bikini bottoms.  My thongs have since retired.

7. You have to cross your legs and quench every time you sneeze, cough, blow your nose, or jump on a trampoline. This blame goes 100% to the kids. No doubt. The sacrifices our bodies make to bring children into the world are revolting.

6. I can’t make it to midnight at a party or out with friends without the aid of a 5 hour energy. Once upon a time I would begin getting ready for the night at 8 or 9pm. Nowadays if I’m invited to go out past 9pm I have to plan ahead by taking a nap that day, drinking mountain dew and mentally prepare to wear a bra for 5 extra hours. Oh and once the bra comes off, I’m in for the night. No debates. It’s sad.

5. MTV  drives me insane. I know this is a guilty pleasure for some, but to me, its straight torture. Snooki, Jwow, Teen Mom, barf.  I know it’s our human nature to want to watch a train wreck unfold in front of us but these shows send my mother instincts into overdrive and all I want to do is yank Snooki by her bump-it and catapult her into a major timeout! I’d like to fist pump her and the rest of that cast into an STD seminar.  About 8 years ago I would arrange my schedule around watching that garbage, now I’d rather watch CSPAN.  

4. I’d prefer a massage over…. Um, pretty much anything besides chocolate and bacon. There is never a moment that something in my body isn’t hurting. Each time I move I hear popping, or if I stretch too hard I get a cramp. I’m 28 years old not 65! This should not be happening yet.

3. If I go to a movie and there is a pack of teenagers threatening to destroy my once a quarter outing to a motion picture, I won’t hesitate to get my crazy on. And what I mean is I will pretend to go to the bathroom and tell a manager.  

2. I say things like, “When I was your age.” 

1. I can’t think of anymore so if any of you readers have something to add that makes you feel a trillion years older than you really are, please comment!!!