Friday, January 18, 2013

My Epic Fail

Hey guys! Wow I really didn’t mean to take a month long hiatus but I swear every time I sat down and began typing my fingers produced a bunch of mixed up topics sprinkled with anger and frustration. These past few weeks have been very trying for me. I have gone thru a plethora of emotions and I was unable to process them like a normal adult would. I reverted back to child mode and began speaking and acting out like a kid. It definitely wasn’t one of my prouder moments. I am better than the person I let out of her cage recently.

Writing helps me work it out in my head so bear with me.

I recently began pursing that my ex be held legally responsible for the terms outlined in our divorce decree. Oh just the usual, child support and insurance for our children. Basically I started World War 3. Because somehow men perceive supporting the basic needs of their children to somehow mean they are being taken advantage of… I can’t get into the psychosis of that theory without my head swelling up to the size of a watermelon and I’m out of Excedrin. I would like to point out that not all men have this back-asswards way of thinking. I proudly know a few good men (accidental pun) who gladly over provide for their children’s basic needs and more. Shout out to the real fathers who contribute morally and financially to the needs of their children without resistance. Kurt, Mo, Michael Brenner, Michael Williams, Daniel and anyone else who chooses peace over their pride. After I took the issue to Facebook which is always a good idea guys (insert extreme sarcasm here___). One smart ass post and 33 comments later the battle was under way. It wasn’t right. I indulged myself in self gratification and justice. I wanted his dirty laundry out there for those who creep my profile on his behalf to see the truth. It wasn’t right. Did I already mention that? My mom and good friend messaged me right away to stop but I couldn’t. I failed. Big time.

Every day I strive to allow God to shine thru me in what I say and do. I tell the kids all the time not to allow other’s bad choices or decisions to define who they are and who God has called them to be. Epic fail. That night I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness. I was so focused on where I stood in this situation that I was blinded to where God needed me in it. The weight of letting God down the way I did was too heavy for me.

There has been no resolution to my problem yet. But because I have surrendered it to the Lord I know there will be in His time. I have replaced my anger for peace. I will probably have to repeat that daily and sometimes hourly. The anger is so natural. When you are being wronged by someone it can be so difficult to turn away from the resentment and pursue happiness. I think that’s what sets us apart from the world. I say “us” but I fall short of that all the time.

This year there is a lot happening and changing in my life and the lives of my kids. It’s a very exciting time for us and I think its Satan’s goal to ruin it in any way he can. So maybe by writing this I can somehow hold myself accountable to not allowing my emotions to rule over my mouth.
Sorry if this was all jumbled and made no sense… I think this blog entry is more for me than you… I’ll get you on the next one though!

Have a great weekend everyone!