Thursday, February 21, 2013

The not-so-traditional-Bride


I am in a constant state of self discovery. Like when I stare into the mirror dissecting my pores or taking my BEFORE the gym photos. And then there are the other self discoveries like when I’m planning a wedding and realize my definition of “cheap” is significantly different than Pinterest’s.


Kurt and I had already discussed and decided we wanted to be married by the end of this year. Our planning began before the actual engagement. We have been taking our pre-marriage classes, ironing out the details of our home situations, finalizing other details to insure we would be married when 2014 arrived. Now that the date is set the appointments are being made I’ve realized I have missed my calling to be rich. The wedding business is where the money is!


I need to preface this blog with an apology in advance because the content will surely piss the veil off of some of my readers and friends. I openly admit that I am the minority when it comes to this way of thinking. According to every.single.wedding vendor and supplier I am the only insane one here, not you guys. I think weddings are very personal and to each their own. I don’t think people who have big weddings are bad or silly people. They are just richer than I am and that’s not a crime. It’s a personal preference, much like buying Tide or Ultra laundry detergent. No judgment. Now with that being said, let the pissing off of women begin… 


The reasons I’m NOT a good Bride:


1. Wedding dress – to me, it’s just a dress. A dress you can only wear once. I can’t drum up enough irrational thinking to spend thousands (yes multiple thousands) of dollars on cloth and sequins that I can’t wear to next week’s playdate or recycle into something that’s going to make my chores easier. 


2.  I can’t get down with the idea of spending a car payment on invitations. Its cardstock paper, nice font and a few swirly designs. I have two kids and have thrown 9 birthday parties. All of those parties combined I didn’t spend ½ of what it would cost to send out fancy wedding invites. Check your email for our fancy wedding E-vite… Joking, kidding, obviously, kinda, hmm….


3. Cake – Consisting of flour, water, milk, eggs and sugar. Again, I go back to the birthday parties I have organized and all of the cakes combined wouldn’t pay for the first tier of a traditional wedding cake. Unless the cake will digest into American currency that I can fish out of the toilet later we will be forgoing the “traditional” idea of a wedding cake.


-Side bar, at what point did the definition of “traditional” change to “justification of frivolous overspending”?


4. Flowers – They die. I’m going to need someone to sit me down and explain how logical it is to spend hundreds of dollars on bouquets that will turn brown in 14 hours. Someone… anyone?

5. Venues – These are actual figures I received from a local venue in our town. I feel no need to elaborate the ridiculousness of this further. You must pay 30% down and the rest must be paid in full 30 days prior to the wedding date. 

100 guests $16,975.00 125 guests $19,475.00 150 guests $21,975.00
175 guests $24,475.00 200 guests $26,975.00 225 guests $29,475.00
250 guests $31,975.00 275 guests $34,475.00 300 guests $36,975.00
Pricing does not include 20% Service charge or 8.35% sales tax.
Prices are subject to change without notice.

Forget gun control Obama, let’s get some wedding control. Start charging these vendor’s an extra tax and boom, our nation’s debt would be gone. I should be president, really!


6.  Photography – Apparently a photographer’s time is more valuable per hour than a lawyer, doctor or the Pope. Thank heavens for Instagram.


7.  A common misconception is that the actual wedding day is more about impressing the guests than the bride and groom. I can’t seem to direct my attention off the fact that I get to marry my best friend. The other expensive particulars pale in comparison to this rich detail. So to all of our guests, we love you so much, but our wedding probably won’t be “traditionally” impressive. There will be no option for steak or chicken, white or red, or black tie attire. I’ll try to fit that on the Evite.


We have about 4 months until our big day medium sized day. I can’t promise a traditional wedding to our guests. However, I can promise that there will be sincere vows and romance going down in that reasonably priced sanctuary of the church surrounded by Dollar Tree candles. Boom!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Operation One Knee: Success


I am so high on happiness right now I can’t even function properly. I’m reaching dangerous levels of bliss. I might need to have this smile surgically removed from my face. Most of my readers already heard the news or were actually there, but…drum roll…….Kurt and I are officially engaged!!!! I could tell this story over and over. In fact, if I could somehow make money at telling this story over and over I would give my notice, like yesterday!

Yesterday, February 17 was our one year anniversary. He told me he had a great present for me and he has never disappointed me before. Naturally I was curious, anxious and totally amped to see what he had come up with.

On Sunday morning we were headed to church with plans to go to lunch after. We arrive and begin our social two-step dance of small talk with good friends. We take our seats and continue the mingling until the worship began. Kurt was in and out of the sanctuary a few times. I honestly thought he drank too much coffee. Little did I know he was executing what he called: Operation One Knee. 

He had been planning this for over a week with the help of the pastor, my boss and the sealed lips of my dearest friends and family.

Before the pastor was dismissing us he said he had one more announcement and asked us to look at the screen. That’s when this video was shown:


And here is my reaction to that video…


And so our love story begins. I can’t even pretend to have actual words to express how genuine love feels and the affects it has on us. To have it to give someone, and to receive it equally in return is so unexplainable. There are no words; None that would give you the slightest impression of what I’m rambling on and on about.

Kurt is my one, that God had set apart for me to fulfill His will for my life. Our marriage will glorify God and will be a constant reminder of His endless grace, forgiveness and ability to redeem anything WE mess up.

I have more to say about this but I don’t want my vows published before they are spoken to Kurt for the first time at the altar on June 22, 2013.

Please check back soon because from now until June we will be planning our wedding and preparing to merge my little family of 3 with his little family of 2 and become a semi-big family of 5. There will be moving, merging, adjusting, transitioning, and lots of prayer. I will somehow find a funny spin on all of this.

Thank you for reading and sharing such a special memory with us. 


Thursday, February 14, 2013

10 ways to show your kids you love them.....


Okay I promise I’m not going to turn this post into my personal opinions about Valentine’s Day; Although I do have a few. And for those who know me, sharing my opinion is one of my favorite things to do in addition to mixing nutella with peanut butter on a Nilla Wafer. But in addition to the obvious reasons I can’t stand this April Fool’s Day for love birds is all the ridiculous stories that clutter my Yahoo home page. Top 10 romantic places to kiss. 10 Ways to show your spouse you love them on Valentine’s Day. I mean really people? How “romantic” is it that there is a designated day in which men are basically FORCED to shower their girlfriends with gifts, stuffed animals and overpriced cards and flowers?

But I came across an article today that goes hand in hand with the love theme. It was 10 ways to show kids your love them. Thank goodness! If it weren’t for Yahoo I might not know how to show my kids I love them.  Insert Sarcasm Here ___________

1.       Snuggle – Uhhh, does allowing them to creep into my bed in the middle of the night and plow their limbs into my bones count as “snuggling”?
2.       Drop Everything – Sure! Who wants to eat dinner anyways or wear clean clothes this week? Consider my spatula and laundry basket “dropped.”
3.       Talk – I’m guessing “Let’s start on your homework” or “Don’t forget to pack your lunch” or “Please put your toys away” doesn’t count as “talking.”
4.       Listen – say what?
5.       Sing – I do sing! “Clean up Clean up, err-body, err-where, Clean up Clean up, err-body do your share” They prefer Gangnam Style…
6.       Smile – If THEY would listen, I would smile more
7.       Say I Love You – Well duh Yahoo come on!
8.       Have a Dance Party – I don’t see how bouncing my rump around the living room correlates into my love for them but any excuse to move this thang!! Every time I do dance Kylee tells me it’s embarrassing to watch. Rude.
9.       Butterfly Kisses – Reeeally reaching at the bottom of the barrel huh Yahoo?
10.   Get down on their level – like physically or mentally? Be specific because by 9pm I am at a 2 year olds level mentally, and an 89 year olds level physically.

Happy designated day for your spouse to show you attention but don’t get used to it because tomorrow its back to normal Day! 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Mother Madness


Hello there boys and girls. I’ve been in the field doing research and gathering new material to write about. By this I mean I’ve had the kids for 7 days straight. People always compliment me and say things like, “Wow I don’t know how you do it!” referring to being a single mom. My answer, custodial weekends. The legally implemented break given to single parents with no guilt attached. 

Quite frankly and painfully true I don’t know how the full timers do it. You happily married full time mommies and daddies are the true heroes.  No breaks without begging or negotiating sexual favors and promising to do the dishes or laundry. It’s okay guys, I used to be married so I know how it works. Custodial weekends rejuvenate me and give me the break I need to go on for another week.  With that being said I can’t wait for the weekend to get here because I need a mommy time out in a very serious way.

I’ve compiled a list of things are currently testing my capacity for mental wellness. This list is the reason I’m unable to form a complete sentence when put on the spot. Why I can’t get the correct kid’s name out the first time, why I sometimes pour drinks in the trash instead of the sink, or forget to put detergent in the washing machine.

For those of you who have no sense of humor or don’t appreciate sarcasm the same way I do, let me preface this by saying I love the snot out of my kids, obviously and sometimes literally. Nothing could replace them or take their places in my heart. And in my defense this isn’t even a complete list of 10. I only have 7.

1. Wrappers. I don’t want to pick up another wrapper for the rest of my life. And I mean this in a very literal way. Juice box straw wrappers, Kraft singles, go-gurt, Capri suns, crackers, candy… The pathway to hell will be paved with these wrappers I swear it!

2.  Snacks. I hate them. I spend every rushed minute of my life preparing meals for the kids. Actual meals (shout out pinterest)I’m either preparing breakfast, packing lunches, thawing out meat, crock-pottin my life away and their only request is, Can we have a snack? REALLY?!

3. Temple Run or any other game on your I-pod-pad-or phone. It creates a great divide in my house. The kids constantly bicker and fight over whose turn it is to play. They can’t remember that I asked them to pick up their dirty socks, or hang up their jackets 10 minutes ago but they can remember who got to play first 3 days ago. How does that even work?

4. Toothpaste. How does it end up everywhere except the drain region of the sink? Globs either fall on the counter and immediately turn into colorful concrete, or it looks like someone barfed toothpaste foam all over sink. The idea to wash it, rinse it or wipe it out has not reached their little brains yet. Maybe if the creators of Temple Run could somehow implement that into their game we could have a win-win relationship.

5. Valentines Day – This isn’t really kid related but its mere existence irritates me. Mainly because the inflation of chocolate prices directly affects me. In addition to the PTA parties, fundraisers, book fairs and school project expenses, there are Valentine cards and treats we have to supply to the entire class, per kid. Kylee’s softball practice was rescheduled this week from Thursday to Sunday because of Valentine’s Day…. I got all sorts of bent out of shape about this madness.

6. Sippy Cups – I don’t have daily contact with these anymore (hallelujah) but I sometimes find myself resorting to them. Usually when we’re out of juice boxes and I didn’t realize it because the kids take the last one and don’t bother throwing the box away, all the while leaving the illusion that there are still plenty in the fridge. Wow, off track. I hate these cups because you have to have a specific “stopper” per lid. They aren’t universal or one size fits all. So I have a drawer full of different stoppers, than mixed lids that don’t seem to fit any cup I have in the pantry. I can feel the Lord testing me when I find myself needing to use a sippy cup.

7. Repeating myself. My voice naturally carries. I’m not a soft spoken or meek woman. I make myself heard and I should be heard the first time by my children. There is no excuse for them not to answer me the first time! As if I need additional reasons to turn SpongeBob Square Pants off, my voice and the commands it creates should be made priority over the bright yellow sponge and his pot smoking starfish friend. End of story. I can’t stand repeating myself over and over for my kids to do simple things I have trained them to do on their own. And the attitude I receive when I am forced to repeat myself is mind boggling.

Aside from needing a break from being a “mooooooom”, this weekend is mine and Kurt’s ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY YALL! That means on Sunday, 365 days ago I met my best friend, soul mate and future husband. I’m so thankful my girlfriend’s talked me into going out to dinner with them that night. I’m so thankful my sarcasm finally did my life some good. I’m thankful Kurt called me out on my sassiness which led to a 4 hour conversation which led to our first date, which led to countless memories and gained ground in our faith, together. And no Hallmark card or overpriced chocolate can express how special this love is. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

My sister, the Wal-martarian


I’m only one person. Only so much can happen in my life that’s worth writing about. Luckily my sister finds herself in situations that are totally worth sharing. Like this morning, my sister’s experience at Wal-mart.

Before going to Wal-mart you should really find your happy place. Don’t go if you’re in a hurry, just had a fight with your ex, or reached your stupidity quota for the day. All the factors in your life need to be parallel to perfection otherwise you’re going to let your crazy lose and the rest of your day is going to involve a lot of four letter words.

My sister is the poster child for OCD, except when it comes to her car. Her car is her dirty little secret where she lets her inner hoarder run free. What goes in that car will not leave for 12-32 months. I think I saw an Ace of Base tape and a scrunchie in her glove box.

She needed to replace one of her headlights on her car. Under the rubble and debris of receipts, wrappers and a dead squirrel she found a brand new headlight in her glove box! Don’t even ask. Unfortunately it was the wrong size. Again, don’t ask. It’s also a possibility that it sat in her car so long it deteriorated.  Either way she needed to exchange it.

She went inside Wal-mart, kind of in a hurry. First mistake. Then she realized she needed a feminine product. Second mistake. That’s another time you should steer clear of Wal-mart as well; your code red lady days. Someone could be killed just for bumping into your cart. In addition to my sister’s OCD personality, she is also by nature a very cheap person. She’s also a single mom that receives about $27 a month in child support IF her ex is in a good mood.  So naturally she saves where she can. In an attempt to save $7, she was going to exchange her light bulbs for a box of tampons. This is where my sister and I differ. I would have thrown my 3 year old bulbs away, bought the right one and go to the self check out for my lady items. Casey on the other hand will stand in the Customer Service line, at Wal-Mart, for 30 minutes, with NO receipt AND a coupon to make this exchange.

So there she is, in the Customer Service line at Wal-Mart. The place where happiness comes to die; where wickedness dwells in the hearts of employees; where house shoe and pajama wearing folk ride in the hoverounds for exercise.  My sister was the 3rd person in line amongst the Wal-martarians. When you’re stuck in line like this your only source of entertainment is to eavesdrop on the people ahead of you. Plus it’s a good way to gage just how pissed off you are going to get by the time you get to the front of the line. The lady in front of her was doing a Western Union transfer and kept filling out the wrong forms, thus pushing my sister’s patience to a whole new level. Her loud sighs and foot taping could be heard by everyone. She finally gets to the front and tells the rip off of Nicki Minaj her intentions to exchange the light bulbs for tampons but she doesn’t have the receipt for the bulbs. (Is that funny to anyone else?) Nicki gives my sister a look of complete disbelief. She probably thought my sister stole the light bulbs in a shifty attempt to get tampons at a discount. Busted. Naturally my sister was offended by her accusatious glare. (Check out the word I just created! Boom! Acc-usat-ious) 

Another thing you must know about my sister is if there is a principal or point to be made of any situation, she is the one to bring that to fruition. One time she argued for 40 minutes with a restaurant manager because they included the gratuity to her bill. Our party had over 10 people. Not an uncommon practice for restaurants. Regardless it was about a $2 difference but” it was the principal!” Sometimes at night, I can still hear the screaming.

I completely derailed from my story. So the end result was Nicki refused to give my sister a cash return but a Wal-mart gift card to purchase her tampons.

Naturally my sister left Wal-mart feeling irritated. Hence why you should never go inside a Wal-mart unless Target is closed.

Have a great weekend!!!