Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Mother Madness

Hello there boys and girls. I’ve been in the field doing research and gathering new material to write about. By this I mean I’ve had the kids for 7 days straight. People always compliment me and say things like, “Wow I don’t know how you do it!” referring to being a single mom. My answer, custodial weekends. The legally implemented break given to single parents with no guilt attached. 

Quite frankly and painfully true I don’t know how the full timers do it. You happily married full time mommies and daddies are the true heroes.  No breaks without begging or negotiating sexual favors and promising to do the dishes or laundry. It’s okay guys, I used to be married so I know how it works. Custodial weekends rejuvenate me and give me the break I need to go on for another week.  With that being said I can’t wait for the weekend to get here because I need a mommy time out in a very serious way.

I’ve compiled a list of things are currently testing my capacity for mental wellness. This list is the reason I’m unable to form a complete sentence when put on the spot. Why I can’t get the correct kid’s name out the first time, why I sometimes pour drinks in the trash instead of the sink, or forget to put detergent in the washing machine.

For those of you who have no sense of humor or don’t appreciate sarcasm the same way I do, let me preface this by saying I love the snot out of my kids, obviously and sometimes literally. Nothing could replace them or take their places in my heart. And in my defense this isn’t even a complete list of 10. I only have 7.

1. Wrappers. I don’t want to pick up another wrapper for the rest of my life. And I mean this in a very literal way. Juice box straw wrappers, Kraft singles, go-gurt, Capri suns, crackers, candy… The pathway to hell will be paved with these wrappers I swear it!

2.  Snacks. I hate them. I spend every rushed minute of my life preparing meals for the kids. Actual meals (shout out pinterest)I’m either preparing breakfast, packing lunches, thawing out meat, crock-pottin my life away and their only request is, Can we have a snack? REALLY?!

3. Temple Run or any other game on your I-pod-pad-or phone. It creates a great divide in my house. The kids constantly bicker and fight over whose turn it is to play. They can’t remember that I asked them to pick up their dirty socks, or hang up their jackets 10 minutes ago but they can remember who got to play first 3 days ago. How does that even work?

4. Toothpaste. How does it end up everywhere except the drain region of the sink? Globs either fall on the counter and immediately turn into colorful concrete, or it looks like someone barfed toothpaste foam all over sink. The idea to wash it, rinse it or wipe it out has not reached their little brains yet. Maybe if the creators of Temple Run could somehow implement that into their game we could have a win-win relationship.

5. Valentines Day – This isn’t really kid related but its mere existence irritates me. Mainly because the inflation of chocolate prices directly affects me. In addition to the PTA parties, fundraisers, book fairs and school project expenses, there are Valentine cards and treats we have to supply to the entire class, per kid. Kylee’s softball practice was rescheduled this week from Thursday to Sunday because of Valentine’s Day…. I got all sorts of bent out of shape about this madness.

6. Sippy Cups – I don’t have daily contact with these anymore (hallelujah) but I sometimes find myself resorting to them. Usually when we’re out of juice boxes and I didn’t realize it because the kids take the last one and don’t bother throwing the box away, all the while leaving the illusion that there are still plenty in the fridge. Wow, off track. I hate these cups because you have to have a specific “stopper” per lid. They aren’t universal or one size fits all. So I have a drawer full of different stoppers, than mixed lids that don’t seem to fit any cup I have in the pantry. I can feel the Lord testing me when I find myself needing to use a sippy cup.

7. Repeating myself. My voice naturally carries. I’m not a soft spoken or meek woman. I make myself heard and I should be heard the first time by my children. There is no excuse for them not to answer me the first time! As if I need additional reasons to turn SpongeBob Square Pants off, my voice and the commands it creates should be made priority over the bright yellow sponge and his pot smoking starfish friend. End of story. I can’t stand repeating myself over and over for my kids to do simple things I have trained them to do on their own. And the attitude I receive when I am forced to repeat myself is mind boggling.

Aside from needing a break from being a “mooooooom”, this weekend is mine and Kurt’s ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY YALL! That means on Sunday, 365 days ago I met my best friend, soul mate and future husband. I’m so thankful my girlfriend’s talked me into going out to dinner with them that night. I’m so thankful my sarcasm finally did my life some good. I’m thankful Kurt called me out on my sassiness which led to a 4 hour conversation which led to our first date, which led to countless memories and gained ground in our faith, together. And no Hallmark card or overpriced chocolate can express how special this love is.