Friday, February 1, 2013

My sister, the Wal-martarian


I’m only one person. Only so much can happen in my life that’s worth writing about. Luckily my sister finds herself in situations that are totally worth sharing. Like this morning, my sister’s experience at Wal-mart.

Before going to Wal-mart you should really find your happy place. Don’t go if you’re in a hurry, just had a fight with your ex, or reached your stupidity quota for the day. All the factors in your life need to be parallel to perfection otherwise you’re going to let your crazy lose and the rest of your day is going to involve a lot of four letter words.

My sister is the poster child for OCD, except when it comes to her car. Her car is her dirty little secret where she lets her inner hoarder run free. What goes in that car will not leave for 12-32 months. I think I saw an Ace of Base tape and a scrunchie in her glove box.

She needed to replace one of her headlights on her car. Under the rubble and debris of receipts, wrappers and a dead squirrel she found a brand new headlight in her glove box! Don’t even ask. Unfortunately it was the wrong size. Again, don’t ask. It’s also a possibility that it sat in her car so long it deteriorated.  Either way she needed to exchange it.

She went inside Wal-mart, kind of in a hurry. First mistake. Then she realized she needed a feminine product. Second mistake. That’s another time you should steer clear of Wal-mart as well; your code red lady days. Someone could be killed just for bumping into your cart. In addition to my sister’s OCD personality, she is also by nature a very cheap person. She’s also a single mom that receives about $27 a month in child support IF her ex is in a good mood.  So naturally she saves where she can. In an attempt to save $7, she was going to exchange her light bulbs for a box of tampons. This is where my sister and I differ. I would have thrown my 3 year old bulbs away, bought the right one and go to the self check out for my lady items. Casey on the other hand will stand in the Customer Service line, at Wal-Mart, for 30 minutes, with NO receipt AND a coupon to make this exchange.

So there she is, in the Customer Service line at Wal-Mart. The place where happiness comes to die; where wickedness dwells in the hearts of employees; where house shoe and pajama wearing folk ride in the hoverounds for exercise.  My sister was the 3rd person in line amongst the Wal-martarians. When you’re stuck in line like this your only source of entertainment is to eavesdrop on the people ahead of you. Plus it’s a good way to gage just how pissed off you are going to get by the time you get to the front of the line. The lady in front of her was doing a Western Union transfer and kept filling out the wrong forms, thus pushing my sister’s patience to a whole new level. Her loud sighs and foot taping could be heard by everyone. She finally gets to the front and tells the rip off of Nicki Minaj her intentions to exchange the light bulbs for tampons but she doesn’t have the receipt for the bulbs. (Is that funny to anyone else?) Nicki gives my sister a look of complete disbelief. She probably thought my sister stole the light bulbs in a shifty attempt to get tampons at a discount. Busted. Naturally my sister was offended by her accusatious glare. (Check out the word I just created! Boom! Acc-usat-ious) 

Another thing you must know about my sister is if there is a principal or point to be made of any situation, she is the one to bring that to fruition. One time she argued for 40 minutes with a restaurant manager because they included the gratuity to her bill. Our party had over 10 people. Not an uncommon practice for restaurants. Regardless it was about a $2 difference but” it was the principal!” Sometimes at night, I can still hear the screaming.

I completely derailed from my story. So the end result was Nicki refused to give my sister a cash return but a Wal-mart gift card to purchase her tampons.

Naturally my sister left Wal-mart feeling irritated. Hence why you should never go inside a Wal-mart unless Target is closed.

Have a great weekend!!!