Thursday, February 21, 2013

The not-so-traditional-Bride


I am in a constant state of self discovery. Like when I stare into the mirror dissecting my pores or taking my BEFORE the gym photos. And then there are the other self discoveries like when I’m planning a wedding and realize my definition of “cheap” is significantly different than Pinterest’s.


Kurt and I had already discussed and decided we wanted to be married by the end of this year. Our planning began before the actual engagement. We have been taking our pre-marriage classes, ironing out the details of our home situations, finalizing other details to insure we would be married when 2014 arrived. Now that the date is set the appointments are being made I’ve realized I have missed my calling to be rich. The wedding business is where the money is!


I need to preface this blog with an apology in advance because the content will surely piss the veil off of some of my readers and friends. I openly admit that I am the minority when it comes to this way of thinking. According to every.single.wedding vendor and supplier I am the only insane one here, not you guys. I think weddings are very personal and to each their own. I don’t think people who have big weddings are bad or silly people. They are just richer than I am and that’s not a crime. It’s a personal preference, much like buying Tide or Ultra laundry detergent. No judgment. Now with that being said, let the pissing off of women begin… 


The reasons I’m NOT a good Bride:


1. Wedding dress – to me, it’s just a dress. A dress you can only wear once. I can’t drum up enough irrational thinking to spend thousands (yes multiple thousands) of dollars on cloth and sequins that I can’t wear to next week’s playdate or recycle into something that’s going to make my chores easier. 


2.  I can’t get down with the idea of spending a car payment on invitations. Its cardstock paper, nice font and a few swirly designs. I have two kids and have thrown 9 birthday parties. All of those parties combined I didn’t spend ½ of what it would cost to send out fancy wedding invites. Check your email for our fancy wedding E-vite… Joking, kidding, obviously, kinda, hmm….


3. Cake – Consisting of flour, water, milk, eggs and sugar. Again, I go back to the birthday parties I have organized and all of the cakes combined wouldn’t pay for the first tier of a traditional wedding cake. Unless the cake will digest into American currency that I can fish out of the toilet later we will be forgoing the “traditional” idea of a wedding cake.


-Side bar, at what point did the definition of “traditional” change to “justification of frivolous overspending”?


4. Flowers – They die. I’m going to need someone to sit me down and explain how logical it is to spend hundreds of dollars on bouquets that will turn brown in 14 hours. Someone… anyone?

5. Venues – These are actual figures I received from a local venue in our town. I feel no need to elaborate the ridiculousness of this further. You must pay 30% down and the rest must be paid in full 30 days prior to the wedding date. 

100 guests $16,975.00 125 guests $19,475.00 150 guests $21,975.00
175 guests $24,475.00 200 guests $26,975.00 225 guests $29,475.00
250 guests $31,975.00 275 guests $34,475.00 300 guests $36,975.00
Pricing does not include 20% Service charge or 8.35% sales tax.
Prices are subject to change without notice.

Forget gun control Obama, let’s get some wedding control. Start charging these vendor’s an extra tax and boom, our nation’s debt would be gone. I should be president, really!


6.  Photography – Apparently a photographer’s time is more valuable per hour than a lawyer, doctor or the Pope. Thank heavens for Instagram.


7.  A common misconception is that the actual wedding day is more about impressing the guests than the bride and groom. I can’t seem to direct my attention off the fact that I get to marry my best friend. The other expensive particulars pale in comparison to this rich detail. So to all of our guests, we love you so much, but our wedding probably won’t be “traditionally” impressive. There will be no option for steak or chicken, white or red, or black tie attire. I’ll try to fit that on the Evite.


We have about 4 months until our big day medium sized day. I can’t promise a traditional wedding to our guests. However, I can promise that there will be sincere vows and romance going down in that reasonably priced sanctuary of the church surrounded by Dollar Tree candles. Boom!