Friday, March 22, 2013

The Unexplainable

There are few days that pass by without the kids doing or saying something that confuses the crap out of me. I guess some things are just never meant to be understood. Kids must be one of them. Here are a couple things I have encountered with the kids that leave me really needing a nap and some wine.

Kylee is in a phase (please gaaawd let it be a phase) where she refuses to let her socks match. It’s my natural instinct when folding the laundry to match socks. Do you have any idea how hard it is to purposely mix-match socks? It’s like learning to drive in France. It’s backwards and dangerous. I don’t get it. 

Logan is STILL in a phase where he talks about poop just about all the time. Either he is calling you Poopie Pants, Doodie Pants, Poopie Pooper doo-doo butt, or just POOP! There are no boundaries to it either. At Kylee’s softball games, “GOOOOO KYLEE POO POO PANTS!!!” At a restaurant he orders POOP to drink. When it comes time for him to wipe himself, he won’t because he doesn’t want to get poop on his hands. He’s all talk. I don’t get it. 

Kylee still hates pants. And I hate them now, too! And I hate that she hates them! And I hate that we fight about them! I don’t know what they ever did to her! We’ve had some nice weather lately so this hasn’t sucked every bit of remaining energy from my exhausted body but today… A cold front coming in sent her off the deep end and she took me with her. So we argued AGAIN about wearing friggin pants. I’m not one of those mothers who want to encourage her children to do something because everyone else is doing it. But the same little friends who encouraged her to never wear matching socks also wear pants and they do it without high blood pressure so just wear some pants dang it!!! I don’t get it. 

Bath time is like when Maximus is entering the arena to fight Commodus. In our house when I say “OK guys, time to take a bath/shower” they go into panic mode like I’m making them jump in a pool of acid. Bath time does not mean bed time but for some unexplainable reason they associate bath time to our night coming to an end (every mom’s favorite time. Don’t lie, you know you love bedtime too) and if they can somehow piss me off prolong it then they can somehow avoid the inevitable. But, as soon as they get in, I can’t get them out. Kylee will use all of our hot water dancing in the shower while Logan will beg me for 5 more minutes in the tub. I can’t peacefully get them in and I can’t peacefully get them out. I don’t get it.

Communication can be hard whenever there are two people involved, but add a 3rd person it becomes a little more complex. But when that 3rd intermediary is an opinionated little 6 year old it becomes a beat-down ass whoopin. That’s what I deal with on a daily basis. Kylee will be sent home with a permission slip to be signed, or another dad-gum book fair order form, monthly calendars, etc… When I open her daily folder and remove the items addressed to the parents Kylee immediately gets involved. Because what happens is this; These teachers know their multiple requests/invitations/begging letters for parents to join the PTA get sent directly to the trash. They also suspect that parents aren’t interested in buying books for $7.99 that are $1.75 at Half Priced Books. They probably don’t want to use a Saturday chaperoning a herd of kids either so they persistently send home these annoying requests for the parents to get involved. Then they fill the little people’s minds with promises of candy, extra stickers, more recess time, and excursions to Disney World.  (Ok the Disney part isn’t true…yet) So Kylee will beg me to join the PTA, or buy a bunch of over priced books, or skip work to volunteer for her class something or other. When I try to explain to Kylee that she won’t flunk Kindergarten if she doesn’t buy a book from the book fair she flips out. The teachers know exactly what they are doing. Well played teachers, well played. This I do get, and I don’t like it. 

I recently signed a permission slip for Kylee to participate in an Easter egg hunt. Each “student” (aka parents) are supposed to bring at least 12 candy filled eggs. At the bottom there was a place for the parents to sign with two options. 

____ I will help chaperon the class when walking from the school to the park.
____ I will arrive early to help hide the Easter Eggs. 

Um, hello, where is the 3rd option?

____ I will gladly send my student with the eggs you requested but I have a full time job that I must attend otherwise there would be no money to buy those candy filled eggs. In lieu of my time I have enclosed 27 Box Tops to show my apologies and support for the school! Go Dragons!! Dinosaurs? Or is it hawks?? Wait. What’s the school mascot? 

Anyway, have a great weekend guys!

Friday, March 15, 2013

What you should have said.... No don't say that

This post comes is brought to you by the mind of my sister. Her brain doesn’t formulate sarcastic literature the way mine does. So here’s a little back story so you aren’t completely lost while reading this post. 

Side bar: Mom stop reading now because I might be a little too sarcastic and foul-mouthed for your liking. “I don’t like that Mandy” yes I know.. I Love you! See you at dinner tonight!

Ok, my sister Casey is probably the most stubborn, strong willed and passionate person in the history of ever. The only thing more stubborn then her is the wall of China. It’s believed amongst the family that Casey married her ex husband simply because she knew we didn’t agree with it… Stubborn! Due to this stubbornness she now suffers from the severe case of D-bag Ex-husband-itis. If she can make it 3 days without fighting with him about anything it’s a victory. 

A lot of times when she is venting to me about the last ludicrous argument she had with him I usually respond with “You should have said…..” and when I say “You should have said this” it’s not to be taken literal folks. A lot of what I think you should do or say would get you in deep fecal matter. Since saying these witty and clever retorts will get her absolutely no where with her X I figured I could write them here on her behalf. Odds are that he can’t read anyway so this shouldn’t cause too much damage.  

Today she called me because he demanded that she stop their 4 year old from sucking his thumb. He explained that it’s a bad habit. She was distracted for a moment because Captain Obvious flew in and knocked over all her bottles of No Shit Sherlock. It was a big mess. Then he expressed his concern about how much the dental bill would be in a few years to fix his teeth. Pull the reins back for a moment hero and focus on the accruing child support you will have to pay in a few years if you don’t stop financing tattoos, Gucci sunglasses and pinky rings and start supporting the basic needs of your child. He explained to her that on the 3-5 days he actually sees their son he will be putting him in timeout for sucking his thumb and suggested my sister ask any grown adult how they feel about a kid sucking their thumb. My response to that would have been something along the lines of, “Yeah and while I’m at it I’ll ask this same grown adult their opinions on not paying their car payment to the point of repossession, or  on buying a 4 year old a skateboard that he can’t use for another 2 years. Or how about we ask a panel of grown adults their opinions on men who call themselves Fathers but refuse to participate financially in the needs of their children? 

You can’t buy your kid a Hot Wheels and a Happy meal then beg to drop them off early because you have “shit to do” and then have a legitimate voice in his hypothetical dental bills in the future.  

It’s a good thing he and I don’t speak.

Thursday, March 14, 2013


Since a picture is worth 1,000 words I thought I would give my lovely readers less to read and more to look at in this entry... Here's whats been going on in my life....

It's spring break!! That means nothing to me because I still have to work but to Kylee it means NO UNIFORMS FOR A WEEK!!!! She stroke a pose in excitment that looked like this:

We scheduled a lunch date so my folks could meet Kurt's folks. I was all sorts of nervous about it. On the drive to his parent's house Kylee accidentally got her finger rolled up in the window.

It looked like this:

I did this:


Isaac and Logan did this:

All of this happened in the car with only a cup of water and an old Subway napkin to use as medical aid. 

Kurt was the one who rolled her finger in the window 
Side bar: I feel compelled to disclose to certain readers that it WAS an accident. We were rolling all the windows up and Kylee was playing chicken with the window and lost

So I anticipated a confrontation with the X-man to look like this:


With my reaction to follow looking like this:

(Hold up honey child- ain't nobody got time fur dat)

The lunch was successful, minus the finger injury. 

The X-man was/is keeping Kylee all week for spring break with many excursions to Six Flags, the movies and dinner. My reaction to how he can afford such things looks like this:

And when Kylee tells me how her daddy takes her to more places than I do, and buys her more than I do, or she wishes I would do those things too I'm all like this:

My reaction when I hear there is yet another girlfriend he has introduced the kids to looks like this:

My reaction when they break up looks like this:

Last week was the time change. Every 6 months I ask the same question... Do we lose and hour or gain an hour? Well we recently lost an hour and getting up in the morning was harder than usual and I looked like this:

This week while Kylee is with her dad, Logan and I have been hanging out and doing boy things. Playing Ninja Turtles, pretend fighting (except he really hits me hard), tickling and just enjoying the one on one. My reaction is this:

Kylee is my super picky eater so without her home this week, dinner time has NOT looked like it usually does, which is like this:

Earlier last week when I was changing the water in Kylee's fish tank I accidentally dropped the fish in the sink but had a quick recovery. I was all like:

Golfey was all like this:

Then we did this:

I recently had the most important, serious and long overdue "come to Jesus" talk with my dad. No details in this blog but my reaction to that looked like this:

Then it took a left turn and looked more like this:

and this

Then I was all like this:

Kurt was all like this:

Then we were all like this: 
 (Side bar: We are so much hotter than this, but isn't this cute?)
I LOVE HIM!! (Kurt, not the old dude in this picture)

Kurt and I are still in our pre-marriage classes, learning a bunch about how men and women are different. Shocking I know. But learning these things look a lot like this:

Speaking of marriage, there is still a lot of wedding planning to do and I probably look a lot like this: 

and this:

I went to get my final measurements for my dress and the lady was so rude. She looked like the unhappy troll you read about in kid stories. She asked me to strip down to my panties and bra. (They did NOT ask me to do this the first time. I was not prepared) I'm sure to her, I looked like this:

Behind my back I'm sure her reaction looked like this:

I bet my mom's reaction to this post will look like this:

Friday, March 8, 2013

A couple new phases...

Ok I’m gonna level with ya, sometimes my maternal instincts are a little less Michelle Duggar and little more Ma Fratelli from the Goonies. I’m not proud of it, it just is what it is. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids everything. Wow, no pressure there. Of course their teachers teach them the book stuff, but it’s up to us to teach them the street stuff. How to earn money, save money, spend money, say please, thank you and I’m sorry.  

(Get in the tub NOW or I'll shoot)

We have to lead by example (God help us) and I swear I can do 10 good things and 3 bad things and they will multiply that 3 by 9 and add 25. Not sure if I have the math right on that but my point is I can put my Parent’s Guide mask on and do everything right Monday – Friday (don’t laugh, it’s happened) and I accidentally throw a tiny fit waiting in line at Walmart and my kids will be saying “come on lady” for the next 5 days! 

They can’t remember their designated hook for their jacket and backpacks, but can remember me saying, “yeah maybe” to their candy before dinner request when I was on the phone, in traffic. How? They don’t hear me when I’m telling them to pick up their toys for the 15th time, but they hear me whisper “I’ll tell you later” on the phone, while in the back room, hiding in the closet. “Tell em what? Who was that? Was it about me? Tell me, I wanna know. I won’t tell.” They are like little CIA spy ninjas that are listening to everything that’s not their business and nothing that is their business. They are not where I need them to be (the bathtub, dinner table, or in bed) and everywhere I don’t need them to be (in my bathroom – for every performance) 

My problem is I’m a little on the sarcastic side and the way I speak to my friends and family can be considered rude or funny, depending on who you’re asking. I have to really watch my derisive tone, especially around the kids or Kylee will pick it up and I’m stuck reprogramming her for weeks. She’s in a phase right now where she thinks she can call me “dude.” She got this from her little tweeny friends at school. When her response to me is “Dude, I’ll do it in a minute” my natural anti-Duggar mom response looks a tiny bit like this. 

The latest thing she started doing is rushing in when she knows I can’t chase after her or reply to her right away, like when I’m in the shower, or on the phone, or conversing with another adult. She will bombard me with a question (the answer is usually NO when she asks this way) and before I can utter out a syllable she shouts, “Ok thanks!!!” and disappears. Ex: I’m in the shower washing my face when she runs in and asks if she and Logan can use the fingerpaints – “OK THANKS” Or when I’m on the phone with a customer trying to sound professional with Sponge Bob in the background, she whispers, “Will this flush? Can I flush this?” OK THANKS!  Checking out at the grocery store, “Can I go see if they have the markers I want?” OK THANKS! 

Logan keeps announcing to anyone within a 15 foot radius that he farted and what it smells like. He calls everyone Poopy-butt and laughs. He’s starting to pee in the tub instead of the toilet and laughs about it. (Side note: He sure as H didn’t get this from me.) Simply, he’s being a boy but still gross and embarrassing when you’re in line at Target and he says to the clerk “Hi poopy butt I farted in the cart.”

Happy parenting everyone! OK THANKS!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Short and Sweet

Check it!