Thursday, April 25, 2013

A trip to the movies, with kids


Last week the kids and I joined my mom, sister and 4 year old nephew for a trip to the movie theatre.
This blog is based on a true story. These are actual events of that night. 

Anyone who was at the 6:55 showing of Oz the Great and Powerful at the AMC Theatre in Arlington, I want to express my sincere apologies. We knew not what we were doing.

It started off with running late. Of course. This is to be expected when taking multiple children anywhere. We begin by stocking my purse full of candy and snacks to avoid cashing out our 401ks. Then the potty assembly line is set in motion. We instruct the kids to use the bathroom before we leave because a) we all know they need to go and will realize it at the longest red light 5 miles from the theatre. And b) public restrooms are guh-rooooosss! Of course the kids respond in perfect harmony, “Noooo we don’t have to go.” The adults are tired, the kids are not, so they win and we load up. 

Mass confusion erupts because everyone wants to ride with grandma. There aren’t enough boosters in grandma’s car so the kids argue like lawyers in Divorce Court. Everyone just shut up!!!!!! Wait who said that? 

We play musical booster chairs and ultimately grandma ended up with 3 loud and annoying kids in her car while my sister and I take my car, alone with no kids and no screaming. Hehe! Sorry grandma. 

Strategically placed in front of the theatre is a station of damn gumball machines. The kids are hypnotized by the assortment of colors and all the choices. My sister thought it might take less time to let them each get a damn gumball rather than contend with the bottomless whining about not getting a damn gumball and how they reeeeally wanted a damn gumball. Grandma is reaching new levels of frantic because we are still late.
We get in line and every kid has decided those damn gumballs suck and need a place to spit them out. There’s $.75 my sister will never see again. We finally get to the front of the line (still late) and spend a million dollars. Of course my sister, Princess Save-a-Penny has some frequent movie go-ers pass she intends to redeem her $10. The lady behind the glass didn’t apply her discount at first and I knew my sister was mentally preparing for battle. I was backing away slowly. 

Grandma has a fear of everything. When the kids are frolicking outside you can always hear grandma somewhere saying, Watch out! Be careful! Don’t touch that! Don’t do that. Come back. Not so high. Not so hard. Easy! Nooooo! So naturally when her 3 grandkids are in front of an escalator she has horrific images of the kids being sucked in feet first and shredded up like tomatoes in a food processor. Wait! Hold my hand, don’t let go and don’t jump off, be still! Noooo! I don’t really care for escalators either.  Not because of the potential death hazard but because my kids think it’s funny to watch me have a mini seizure when they pretend to lick the hand rails. 

We barely make it upstairs alive (insert sarcasm for grandma). The kids scatter and I’m already exhausted and realize why they opened a bar in the theatre. 

We herd them all into the restroom and demand they each take a leak before the movie starts. Logan isn’t old enough to go in a stall by himself. He’s still ignorantly unaware of the different forms of herpes that reside on the rim of a public toilet seat. He’s short (everywhere) and conveniently lays his wiener on that middle section of the rim. My job is to instruct him to hold it not lay it down, and keep his free hand off the seat. He loves to flush, in public. At home, not so much. At home he uses the toilet as his personal feces crock pot and rarely uses the frequently sanitized handle. 

I can hear my nephew’s voice echo from the other end of the restroom defending that he didn’t touch “it” so he shouldn’t have wash his hands. 

We finally get into the theatre. It’s dark, the previews are almost done. We find our seats and begin to get situated. I’m distributing the candy and snacks. My nephew only knows how to speak in the form of questions. Even his statements sound like a question. He thinks if he hisses his voice then he is whispering, even if his hissing voice is decibels louder than his actual voice. (He gets that honest from his mom) The entire movie he whispers his questions. What him doing? Why? How come he do that? Why? Where they going? Why? More candy? Why? How come he said that? Why? Is that funny? Why?

On the way out of the movie, tactically placed by the exit were tons of games that each kid wanted to play. At least in the game area they didn’t have to “whisper” so we let them play for a little bit. Then the kids scattered to the escalator, cue grandma! Wait! Hold my hand, don’t let go and don’t jump off, be still! Noooo!

Movies with kids. So fun…..