Friday, May 31, 2013

The end of the school year post

This was my first year being the mom of a real student. Pre-K didn’t count. No offense anyone who thinks it does. It doesn’t. I’ll give ya a minute to let that sink in. Hurts? Stings a little? Sorry. But nothing about Pre-K can be compared to the work involved of being a mom to a student. Teachers are amazing and I won’t argue that. They’re stuck in a room with 20 sticky, boogery, nosey, inquisitive, know-it-all kids all day long and as far as I know no one gets smacked. Their tolerance is light years more advanced than mine will ever be. But parents are basically Teacher’s aides without a paycheck. We run the errands and buy the crap for your clever class projects and fun activities. We help with the homework, the reading lists, the projects, the bake sales, the field days and the box tops. We’re tired too!

With approximately 30 hours left of the school year (yes I did the math) the expectations of the parents should be minimal if not, non-existent. But the schools and teachers are still sending stuff home. Are you crazy? I think they hate us. 

This time of year I shouldn’t have to look in her dumb daily folder. But Kylee has decided to wait until the end of year to misbehave and act like an untrained zoo animal. She gets her folder signed more in one week than the entire academic school year! 
We are all at the end of our proverbial ropes just hanging on until we can throw the kids in the pool until the end of August when it starts all over again. Last week, on Sunday night Kylee tells me at 7:30pm that she needs a costume for a play she was in the next day. I look at her like this:

While simultaneously trying to remember; do I know of a play? Is there a play on my calendar? Was I told about a play? Was there something about this play in her folder but I missed because I haven’t been checking her folder for at least 3 weeks? Did I drop the ball? Crap!

In efforts to preserve my mother pride, I say to her, “Your play” Kinda like a half question half statement. This alludes that I know about her play but I need a slight reminder of the details.
To which she replies with a very annoyed demeanor, “YES MY PLAAAAAAAAY!”
Oh that play?! Right. What kind of costume do you need and why the French toast are you just now telling me this? 

She says to me, “I need a middle sized Billy goat gruff costume.” I immediately think, where’s my bottle Riesling what the hop scotch is a Billy goat gruff?  Does Target have those? Maybe Wal-Mart?? Wait! My bra is already off, it’s 7:30pm and it’s not October. No one will have costumes and I’m not leaving this house. Even if I knew about the play I was never informed there would be costumes involved so I didn’t drop the ball, Kylee did. Boom! Winning! 

Life lesson opportunity presents itself and I hate to waste those. We did not get a costume. 

Her awards day was yesterday. As she received award after award I began thinking that parents are the real heroes and should get awards too! Not trying to steal her thunder or anything but I played a significant role in the awards she received. 

Certificate of Achievement for excellent I-Station skills. This is an award for her skills on the computer. I would like to receive an award for allowing her to use our Iphones and Ipad on a non-stop basis which probably laid the foundation to her knowledge with the computer in the first place.

Math Award. She made a perfect score on the state test!! She collects money like some kids collect rocks. Every time we go to the store she asks how much she would have left if she spent this much? If you pay for half and I pay for half, it will be this much. How much longer until dinner? I have 10 minutes left in time out? How many more days until Friday? Can I have two more pieces? We are always demonstrating and talking about math. I hate math so for me this is daily torture but it has obviously paid off for her! 

Reading Award: AHEM!!! Have you ever sat with a child learning how to read? Sounding out each word, telling them that the W and E are silent. Then explaining why the W and E are silent? (No one really knows that) Try it sometime. But do it when you have a billion other things on your nightly TO DO list and haven’t started any of them. Hand over my award peeps! Ironically, when they finally know how to read without any assistance from you is when their love for X-box and Wii will hit new levels of fascination and won’t pick up anything in the form of a book. Ever. 

Golden Apple Award: I honestly don’t know the meaning of this award but I have a feeling it has to do with the amount of apples Kylee insisted we buy so that she can bring them to her teacher. Probably a peace offering for her bad behavior the day before. She has a black belt in redeeming herself and sucking up. But I bought the apples!

Homework Award: Wait, Seriously? Was it optional? I was under the impression that Homework was mandatory deal. She gets an award for completing it? I think we are teaching our children to expect medals of honor and purple hearts for doing what’s already expected of them. The other night when I told the kids to go put up their laundry that I folded they asked me what they get for doing it?! I refrained from back handing them into the 1990’s. But in efforts not to get on my soap box, I will say that my never ending nagging had a little something to do with the completion of those homework books! Oh and someone had to read the directions and supervise the cutting and gluing of farm animals to their appropriate homes. Right here… You can put that award right here in my hand, thank you!

Handwriting: Let’s just say, someone had to buy her those thousands of the sparkle covered Mead notebooks and countless Bic pens that always end up in the back of my car. Who has two thumbs and a twitching eye that always answered the “how do you spell _____ questions…. Me. That’s who! 

Academic Excellence for Sight Words: Someone had to hold the cards up for her. 

Attendance: Really? Where’s the award for the parents who spend 30 minutes trying to peel them out of bed only to be greeted with bad mood, dragon breath little people unwilling to dress themselves because they’re so tiiiired. Bravo for coming to school! Again, was that optional?  

So to all the parents who read my blog, here is your official Certificate of Achievement Award