Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The poolside experience....with kids...


Its here its here its here! Summer in Texas is here! Forget about spending time at the parks, the zoo, and the outdoor anything. The Texas heat has come and laid its wrath on the metal slide and monkey bars. Outdoor activities officially require a sweat rag to wipe your dripping wet, make-up melted face with. It’s miserable and it’s only the beginning. Sarcastic cheer, Yay!!!

We took the kids to the pool this past weekend. It’s the only bearable place to go in the summer time. It was the first dip of the season so we hit the DG to get supplies.  (Dollar General – Kurt’s most favorite place on earth. The Dollar General is to Kurt what Target is to women) Goggles, noodles, diving toys and sun screen. A quick $40 later we were ready for the water activities to begin.  

When you take kids to the pool, what should happen is you arrive, find a place for your stuff, hook up the speakers to your Iphone, and kids scatter like roaches when the light comes on. Your only job should be to keep an eye on your young to make sure they aren’t drowning while simultaneously saturating yourself in Banana Boat Tanning oil. Getting in should be optional but not mandatory. But your little lovelies have a very different idea of your pool side experience. Here are a few things your children expect of you this summer. 

Green Belt Goggle Master: Goggles might as well be a rubix cube. Whoever assembles these must have a personal vendetta against parents and design them in such a way you need your masters from MIT to understand them. Forget reclining in your chair and listening to Mumford. Your kids will need you to adjust their goggles approximately 779 times in a 2 hour span. Multiply that by the number of kids in your procession. It’s complete insanity. They are always too tight, too lose or straight up missing. And rest assured, if you have different colors or styles of goggles, there will be a battle every 15 minutes over who gets to wear the green ones next. Same thing goes for noodles or floaties. Do  yourself a favor and buy everything in the same color and style.

Sunscreen – Kids have no concept of skin cancer or sun burns. Applying sunscreen to one kid can be a challenge as they wiggle and squirm away like you’re putting Icy Hot in their eyes. But putting sunscreen on multiple kids is like herding kittens. You catch one and the other two scamper away.  You get one arm covered and they’re convinced that’s enough, I’m done, let me go!  We discovered it’s much easier to apply the death cream before you leave the house. That piece of advice is free!

The Go-fer – It’s inevitable that whatever ball, Frisbee or toy you bring to throw around at the pool will eventually end up over by the fence, multiple feet away from where you’re sitting. And since you’re only relaxing everyone deems you to be their GO-FER.  And it doesn’t really matter how often you skip go to the gym to get ready for your summer body. Certain places still giggle and the last thing you want to do is expose the giggly areas to the entire pool community by running and bending over the bushes to get there friggin ball!!! Sunbathing is not recognized to children as an activity so just assume that you will be their personal retriever for the day. It blows. 

Lifeguard – At an apartment pool you have to be the lifeguard. Also at a public pool, you still have to be the lifeguard since the 16 year old kid with the whistle believes she’s getting paid $9.25 an hour to sunbathe. No matter where you choose to swim, count on yelling NO RUNNING 3 times every 5 minutes. Also count on being ignored 3 times every 5 minutes until one of them inevitably falls on their tail bone. Then you get to say those famous words every parent longs to say, “Told ya so!”

Swim Partner – Swim with me! Swim with me! Swim with me! What this means is they wanna hang on your back like a baby orangutan while you swim from one side to the other. As they crawl all over you like the fun house at McDonalds their feet will end up in your bottoms and your top will come undone and your strategically placed hair bun will get all jumbled up. Fun for them, work for you. When you get out of the pool it will look like you just got mugged by masked men in a QT wearing a bikini. Whenever you take your kids to the park, a playdate or the pool, that place should become the informal babysitter. You shouldn’t have to entertain them when there are swings, slides, jungle gyms, other kids and a body of water to jump into. Right? 

That’s it for now. Surely the kids have more plans for me this summer at the pool. What is your summer experience like poolside with kids?