I’ve received a lot of messages and inquiries about when I would post a blog about the wedding. Only a couple things happened that were blog worthy. If you are a guy reading this, STOP. If you go to church with me, also STOP. Or if you choose to disregard my warning, please don’t make eye contact with me when I see you next.
Issue # 1 – Sunkist. I don’t know who was trying to sabotage the wedding but someone gave the kids bottles of Sunkist. Logan’s lips were stained orange and of course it spilled on his suit.
Issue #2 – Cheetos. My new niece who was our second flower girl wanted Cheetos. In her white dress. She doesn’t like hearing NO.
Issue #3 – No food, no naps, no problem. WRONG. The kids were hungry and with all the running around and setting up we all forgot to feed them. Parental FAIL. So by the time the ceremony began we had 2 out of 4 kids having complete meltdowns. Logan didn’t want to walk out without his green lantern action figure and refused to put it in his pocket. Olivia wanted to walk out with her zebra backpack on. My nephew who wasn’t in the wedding wanted to be in the wedding and was wiggin out because he wasn’t in the wedding. All of this happened seconds before I was supposed to walk out.
Issue #4 – A bra that requires instructions. My dress was back less. I don’t have enough junk in the front to support going commando upstairs. So I bought this bra that looks like raw chicken and is as sticky as a kid with cotton candy on the 4th of July. It’s a strapless and backless bra. Genius! You know those photos of the bride getting ready with her mom and sisters, and how special it is? Picture the complete and total opposite of that. Here I am, top less, in the back room of church. A room that is typically the children’s Sunday school classroom. Topless, reading instructions on how to apply this goop to my breasts my mom gets all sentimental and summons the photographer to capture this moment. I’m like, NO WAY! The last time my boobs got this much attention I was breastfeeding at the Starbucks in Target. I did not want them photographed with raw chicken cutlets on them! It was pretty hilarious though so we all laughed so hard I almost peed in my dress.
I read that you must first clean the area with soap and water and dry completely in order for it to stick properly. Well I showered that morning so I assumed I was clean but Issues #1-3 could have caused some perspiration so I decided to wash my boobs just in case. At church. I go into the restroom designated for children only… I know creepy, right? I hover over the sink and begin washing myself like a homeless person. Then I waddle my topless self back to the Sunday school room. Covered in shame, with a clean and dry chest we begin to paste my bra on. It was a success and it looked good.
Felt weird, looked good, win!
We are in a blending of the family phase now which I think will produce enough material for me to blog about for an entire year. Like taking 3 kids to a water park.. Stay tuned for a funny story about that.
Thanks for reading!
Feast your eyes on the raw chicken breast bra and all its glory.
The bra fits!!!