Friday, August 2, 2013

Jala-peno Biz-naaaazzz!!!!

Oh haaaay yall. Dorky wave to all. Guys, things are nuts right now. I apologize for my extended absence. As if anyone noticed. Sad face. No but for real guys, to the handful of you who noticed my lack of posts, it’s been whacky macky, cooka-majoo type of crazy lately. 

It’s been one foggy haze of soggy wet swim suits on the floor, wet towels on the beds, lost flips flops, broken goggles, go-gurt wrappers, bedtime warfare and half eaten plates and empty bellies. And that was just last night.

In Texas where the average temperature is 100-104 with a heat index of OH GAWD IM IN HELL there aren’t a lot of activity selections other than swimming. So we have done a lot of that. We have bought and replaced an undocumented amount of goggles. We are down to one pair and still have 3 kids! We are gonna see how long this last pair holds out until a bloody brawl erupts that we are forced to break apart. 

We discovered that our upstairs neighbors are half sasquatch half polar bear lesbians that practice Michael Flatley’s Lord of The Dance from midnight until 3am. From approximately 6pm-9pm they like to juggle medicine balls with Richard Simmons. We left a note for them wishing them well on their audition for the Irish musical production but to please rehearse at a more appropriate hour. They have not heeded our advice. 

I wanted to surprise my husband with some homemade jalapeno poppers. I didn’t anticipate how deadly and violent jalapeno seeds actually were. I should have worn latex gloves when handling these little sons of bitches. Excuse my language but nothing less would accurately describe the anguish and torture they put me thru. My hands are literally still burning. I think I know what it would feel like to be burned alive now. I feel as though all grocery store clerks owe it to their customers to warn us when buying a sack full of those assholes! Again, excuse my language, and sorry mom. There should be a sign next to the bin of jalapenos that they could ruin your life if not handled properly. I’m terrified of them. 

I’ve been to every single government ran operation this side of the metroplex. Changing your last name is no easy task. But after and entire month, I think I finally have all of my documents current with my new last name. Checks, cards, license, insurance, you name it, I got it. 

We are registering for school, softball and baseball this month. Because of the heat the only ball we’ve actually thrown all summer is a beach ball, and the only reading we have done is the U-verse movie guide. Judge me not. 

My good friend is getting married this month. I’m one of her bridesmaids so there are a lot of events leading up to her big day. Bachelorette parties, bridal showers, gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, dress fittings, and anything else she needs. 

That’s the scoop. Hope you have a great weekend and remember, stay away from the jalapenos, don’t do jumping jacks on the second or third floor of an apartment, buy goggles in bulk and always aim for a nap when possible!