Thursday, September 26, 2013

Kids say the dumbest... I mean the darnest things!

When seasons change there seems to be a lag time for kids to really get it. Like during the summer, we didn’t care if they went swimming when we got home from work. We didn’t care if they ate dinner late, stayed up to watch a movie, or didn’t shower. But when school began, they had a difficult time accepting the reality that showers were now heavily mandated, nightly. 

This past week in Texas we finally received some cooler weather. Praise Jesus!!! It even cooled the pool off. Alas, change in the seasons = mental delay for kids. They still ask us, almost daily if we can go swimming. Ahem, NO!  

And what’s with all the all poop talk? Have I already blogged about this? Well if so, it’s still going on and it’s reaching new levels of humiliation.  I’m not quite sure why pooping and farting is so funny to Logan but I have no words of explanation when he tells strangers he had poop for dinner. Is he insulting my cooking or thinks he’s funny? Either way. It sucks. I love his age and just wish we could have a normal conversation that didn’t involve poop. 

Me: How was your day buddy?
Logan: it was poop.
Me: Oh no why?
Logan: Cause I farted
Me: ……
Logan: Mom did you hear me?
Me: ya
Logan: (giggling) I farted in the poopy butt.
Me: (confused because that doesn’t even make sense) ……
Logan: (still giggling) Can I play a game on your poopy fart phone?
Me: Ew

Also, I’m hoping this is a phase but Logan feels the uncontrollable need to publicly announce anytime a bodily function is about to take place. Burping, farting, sneezing, pooping. He does everything short of sending out a certified memo to the household that he is about to poop and which bathroom he has selected to drop it in. Goodness son just go! We don’t need to know!

I’m convinced the kids are attempting physiological warfare on us.  I can tell by the enthusiasm in their voices they truly think they are making sense, when they are making absolutely zero sense! Example?

Logan: Mommy, where are we going?
Me: Home
Logan: Where?
Me: Uh, to our home.
Logan: with the white?
Me: The white what?
Logan: No, the WHIIIITE!
Me: The WHIIITE what?
Logan: UGH!

Kylee: Where’s my thing?
Me: What thing?
Kylee: That thing I got from the birthday party.
(side note: we haven’t been to a birthday party in over a month)
Me: No clue babe… What’s it look like, what does it do?
Kylee: (all pissy like) It doesn’t do anything mom, I just can’t find it and I know I put it up!
Me: Well I don’t even know what we’re talking about so…?
Logan: I farted
Me & Kylee: GAH!

OH EM GEE I haven’t even blogged about this past weekend have I? Ok it was T-minus 5 minutes before we needed to leave for church. The kids asked if they could wait outside for us. What evil and damage could possibly transpire in 5 minutes?

T-minus 2 minutes before church the boys come inside, completely covered in mud. They decided to lie down. In mud. Before church. Luckily I had just started the kid’s laundry that morning so everything they could possibly change into was in the 2nd spin cycle. Not only were they filthy, they left a trail of mud in our house. When asked the obvious question of why, their stupid facial expressions seemed to almost rebuttal, why not? As if every drop of common sense ever accumulated in their years of living on earth had escaped their brains. We didn’t allow two mentally handicapped boys to wait outside alone unsupervised crossing our fingers for a good outcome. No! We left a 7 year old and 4 year old alone for approximately 180 seconds. They managed to find mud, and lay in it, then proceeded to leave traces of the stupidity all over our carpet. That was the first time Kurt had to peel me off of the ceiling.

And in the famous words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

Friday, September 20, 2013

I got "friends" in low places....

I have started this blog about 7 separate times and closed without saving 7 times.  I couldn’t process in my mind what was happening inside my heart. Let alone generate words to actually describe the unprocessed junk in my brain. I’m still working it out.  

Life is a difficult thing to maintain balance in, that’s for sure. It seems if I have one or two areas of my life completely  stacked up and in order, there is another area of my life crumbling apart or teetering back and forth. 

Between friends, family, work, kids, coaches, team moms, group leaders, teachers, appointments, practices, and the dog… Someone is bound to be offended, forgotten, neglected or disappointed. Often times it’s the dog. Sorry Ella! 

I recently had a fall out with a couple friends. And by fall I mean pushed. And by friends I mean frauds. I want to be very careful and selective with my words here. This could easily become a Mean Girls Bashing Blog unfiltered and consumed with emotional rage and brokenness, blog. Hence why I have deleted it multiple times. Ahh, I digress… 

I can’t even get into the details that lead to the demise of a friendship. The particulars are beyond silly and childish so I won’t waste your time. Assigning blame would make me feel so much better. To dish it all out here on my blog would bring me immense pleasure and satisfaction. But my motivations would be of my flesh. And the outcome of flesh driven vindication is destruction. Destruction of character, morals, values, and you. 

Every situation, especially the sucky ones can play a big part in our growth as Christians. And there is always room to grow and learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others close to us. I’m still evaluating everything that happened and played a part in the downfall of what I considered a sisterhood. Here is what I’ve learned so far and I’m excited to learn more.

-          -Being hurt by others doesn’t give us the right to hurt them back
-          -There is freedom in forgiving those who didn’t request it
-         - I’m not defined by the opinions of others. I’m defined by God
-          -Texting is stupid
-          -I have a lot of loyal people in my life. They came out of the wood works on Wednesday and completely overshadowed the two who sought to hurt me.
-          -My husband is the best hugger and tear-wiper-away-er that ever lived. And he smells so good!
-          -You should maintain high standards for those you call friends.
-        -  If they talk about others to you, they are talking about you to others. That’s a fact, Jack.
-         - In a big group of friends, there might be 1 or 2 REAL ones, the rest are just for show.
-          -If they like, comment or post on your Facebook more than they actually call you, it’s not real.
-          -If you feel the need to impress your friends, they aren’t your friends.
 -Some things can be cured with an ice cream snickers and a bottle of wine. Compliments of the best husband in the universe!!!
-          -If they build you up to knock you down, wait until they leave to get up, then walk away. For good.
-         - My sister is more solid that an Igneous rock. I dare you to hurt me when she’s around.
-          -When someone drives to your office just to hug you on a bad day, well that’s what a real friend looks like.
-        -  There is no essential oil to relieve a broken heart. Just Jesus.
-          -Proverbs don’t lie! Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
-        -  Make sure you always partner with God in your battles. Because Satan is always looking for new members to his team. He recruits us when others offend us.
-        -  Don’t ever put your Christianity on the shelf for the temporary pleasure of defending yourself.
-        -  Your kids are watching how you respond to every situation. Be someone you would want your children to grow up like.
-          -Let it go.
-          -God, Family, Friends. In that order, always. 

Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday, September 9, 2013

A Parent Report: Things kids don't know but should know.

So hey what’s up how are ya? Long time so speaky. Sorry about that. I’ve been a tad busy. Running from here to there. Buying this and that. Getting ready for back to school and remembering what it’s like to have a routine. 

I’m totally on board with the kids are kids and let them be kids because they are kids mentality. But sometimes kids do, say and act in ways that is typical kid behavior but it annoys the ba-goobers outta me. Am I expecting too much from them? Not expecting enough? I’m not sure exactly but the cure is probably a cross between Xanax and an early bedtime. 

There are just some things kids don’t understand but should start understanding real quick before I lose my ever lovin mind:

Flush the &*%$ toilet! No really. This handle has a purpose. Explore it, embrace it, utilize it! Back in the pioneer days when kids had to dig a hole to take a dump I bet they would sacrifice 7 squirrels for a device that made their dookie disappear. Take advantage of the technology guys! 

Doors don’t shut themselves. Maybe somewhere in your dreams in a land far far away you had an imaginary best friend who followed you around and their only imaginary life purpose was the shut the door after you opened it. But in this dimension that imaginary friend was hit by a train in Subway Surfers and died along with the dog and officer so please, when you open the back door, front door, side door, up door, down door, ANY damn door, please shut it. Because if I have to get up and shut it for you ONE more time, I will be locking it!

The term “It’s time to go” doesn’t mean ok now go get your shoes on, or get your backpack ready, or brush your teeth. It means that the time has come, the deadline has expired, the warnings are done. It’s not like I walk in your room, wake you up and say ITS TIME TO GO GO GO! No, I give you a sufficient amount of time to dilly dally AND get your crap together. Mama knows you are tired. Mama knows you don’t wanna go to school. Mama knows you hate wearing socks, and hate brushing your teeth, and can’t find your shoes and need your folder signed. Mama knows all of this. Mama just don’t care. So please, do the crap we remind you to do, WHEN we remind you to do it to avoid the morning decent into Yell-ville, USA. 

Why is it when we are driving that is when you want all of our undivided attention? If I divide this attention we could possible ram into a semi-truck, flip over and perish. Seeing you cross your eyes is not worth our lives. Show me later. Actually, stop crossing your eyes. My mom told me they might stick that way and I’m not sure if that’s true or not but let’s not find out. A brief list of things we can’t do while driving: look back at you, look at that, open it, close it, re-buckle, tie it, un-tie it, fix it, fold it, wipe it, smell it. (Unless it’s an air born smell) Pretty much when I’m driving, don’t ask me to do anything else but drive. 

Spare us the details guys. Really. We don’t need to know what you were wearing, where you were standing, who was with you, who said what, and how it went down. Lately this is how Logan tells me about his day.
Today. At school. Uh, uh, uh, uh, in my class. With my teacher. And my friends. Uh, uh, uh, uh, where you take me in the morning times. Uh, and you drop me off. Yeah there. I I went outside. With my friends. And uh, uh, uh my friend told me to be quiet. And uh, uh, uh, uh it was hot. And uh, the teacher said come on. So we all went outside. And I fell down. 

Parents 110% DO NOT CARE who played with what or who had it first or last. If you were part of the playing, you need to partake in the cleaning up. That’s it. As soon as we announce its time to clean up the kids begin giving us an itemized summary report of which toys they actually played with and how long they played with each toy. And why that kid should put it away because technically they played with it more. Really, I don’t give a flying flap jack. Just scoop up every single damn toy and put it in the box. We aren’t going to have a trial with a 12 man jury to discuss who played with Buzz and who didn’t play with Donatello. 

Give me a break. Or a drink. Or both. Yes, both.